444 Hearts – FINAL CHALLENGE YEAR!

Here’s an excerpt of a letter I wrote recently to my Patrons (patreon.com/jessicaintherainbow) – if you’d like some packages in the mail from me, once a season, or other little behind the scenes tidbits, please feel free to join my crew!  I appreciate my patrons SOOOOO much, couldn’t do this without you!!!

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I hope you are finding and enjoying all the randomness I share on the internet. Too much to list…with cloudlight, new music/songs on YouTube, new lo-fi albums, Instagram posts about feelings and healing, and now…my FINAL year+ long challenge, which will take me to January 20th, 2021.

I decided in Jan 2017 that I needed something to focus on, to keep me from losing my mind, but that would still contribute to the greater good…as best as I knew how.  365 Songs in 365 Days was born, a songwriting challenge.

After it was done, I knew I needed more…and really felt the absence of albums on my Bandcamp (official page for album releases) compared to my new daily musical presence on YouTube, so I did the 12 Albums in 12 Months challenge.

Then it became clear that all these challenges created more work than I could keep up with, opportunities came up and I felt like I needed a year to focus on knocking things off my ever-growing list of to-dos and dreams…from kids’ albums, to xmas albums, to massive housecleaning to music licensing paperwork, there was never time to do it all…which often made me do none of it…hence 52 Dreams was born: the weekly to-do list challenge (one dream at a time, one per week).

And lastly, even tho 52 Dreams is still going on (it’s week 24, and I’m writing and releasing an album this week, called “Michigan Dreams” – 9 songs, should be up this weekend!), I decided I needed to start this final year-long challenge exactly 444 days from Inauguration Day 2021.

Whatever your politics, I’m sure we all agree this has been a more tumultuous time politically than anything in recent history.  It has been hard on me emotionally, hard on my friends and family, and truly I don’t think I have the wisdom or insight politically to soothe divides with words about policies…so I decided I’d dedicate this year and some change to being one of the soothers in other ways.  Plus it makes me excited, to find 444 cover songs to share, revealing some of my influences and history, but also making some close family and friends happy (with some songs we loved together)…also, top secret, but there’s a second component to the challenge that I haven’t announced yet, I’d love to tell you first!

(insert top secret info here :):):):)

…I don’t feel worthy, but I’m doing it anyway 🙂 Cuz if the world doesn’t make you famous, or celebrate you, you can just celebrate yourself.  For fun, why not? And of course celebrate other people too, don’t be a narcissist.  But I’ve been realizing, if you’re a painter, you have to use the canvas that’s inside you – your skills/training and visions – that’s not narcissistic, that’s just a fact of being – we’re trapped in one body with one perspective this whole life long.  And it’s lonely, that’s why we try to connect, and listen, to get outside our own experiential wisdom, into someone else’s.  But it’s so passing and fleeting and then we’re back to ourselves.

So if you’re an introvert who loves making things, you’re not a narcissist for enjoying yourself and the things you make.  You’re just probably a creative soul who is VERY sensitive to other people’s energies, and being with lots of beings probably just makes you feel super overstimulated, or confused on how to behave (to ‘make others happy’ or fit their systems of behavior, while avoiding conflict…it’s like a weird variety of being creative, trying to create experiences that make other people happy)…both are true for me.  So being alone most the time, save a verrrrry small crew, and imagining+creating+sharing in this virtual world, i.e. basic writer’s life, really is best for me.

Love to the world, love to my Patrons – OH and if you want to help me gain support, ever, please follow along on YouTube or Facebook (Jessica in The Rainbow page) and if I cover something you like, please share!  There’s links including in the posts for people to become a Patron or just “buy me a coffee” 🙂 (it’s for one time donations, like an online tipjar :):):)

So if you share something, there’s a chance someone new might come and join this crew.

Anyway, thanks again!  And thanks for reading!  I attached the mp3 of this one*, Angel by Sarah McLachlin

All the best <3<3<3
Jessica

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(*i gave my patrons an mp3 to keep…but here’s the YouTube link https://youtu.be/9LEf8R2HUkE :):):)
Okay that’s a garden variety Patreon post…I always meant to share more half-finished art there, BUT that’s what others do, others who maybe take their work more seriously and slowly…which I may do again someday, at which time it’ll be SUPER fun to have a place to leak things!  In the meantime, my Patrons pay for me to have a wild and wonderful online presence…full of wonder and light and weirdness and fun and sorrow and confusion…I so appreciate them, and you are welcome to join anytime (and leave anytime, but let’s not talk about that – the world needs more patrons of the arts! for me or anyone, I hope you’ll please consider it :):):) xoxo bye!

Last blog post (for now…)

Hello…

So I never wrote a final “month 12” post…but I think it’s because I realized, I connect more easily to my own inner voice and joy, and to others – when vlogging (vs blogging).

Soooo here’s a bunch of month 12 videos I made instead : )

-Month 12 of 12 – so many feelings lol (check in vid)

-Month 12, day 5 – check in video that goes on forever…………..

Month 12 Day 8 – behind the scenes at Third Coast Recording (not quite a check in lol)  

-Month 12 day 18 – Check-in vid, nature, thoughts on work vs play/creativity


Month 12 day 23 – nature and gus the dog and existentialism (tunnel park) (*prob my favorite 🙂 🙂 🙂

 

-Yay! 12 albums in 12 months is done (and it’s snowing in mid April)

As for final thoughts beyond this, or if you like reading, a summary of alllllll of these videos.

#1) this challenge (12 albums in 12 months) was wayyyy harder than last year’s challenge (365 songs in 365 days).  why? because that was whimsy and fun and had no rules other than make and share a song every day (I already wrote hundreds a year, and it was fun and therapeutic for me already, so the only hard part was learning to share and be a public person, and maybe trying to get better at audio quality)… and while this year didn’t have super specific rules either, except for “release an album every month,” my own expectations for myself and my bandcamp (i.e. online music portfolio) ate me alive if i posted more than one “sloppy” album a season.  and i did, at one point.  it was just so so hard. i used to release an album every 3-5 years…so this was an unrealistic and totally unsustainable concept.  no time to dream, just output output output…made me almost manic and hyper, and angry at the workload…on the upside? i’m super proud of alllllllllll that work, even if it’s more all over the place and/or sloppy than i would have liked. it felt like catching up on my lost 20s and early 30s, where i gave away life and time to dysfunctional people, and went so slow even tho i’d previously been an “achiever.”

#2) i learned how to work. like how to REALLY work…how to pace myself, how to not hate deadlines, how to make friends with my own ambition and the love-hate relationship it requires, how to be peaceful and let it all go (only after doing it all, to be able to say I did it, which isn’t the same as truly letting go…those people are wiser than me…whatever we make here we have to lose, there is no helping someone with your words if your actions inspire the opposite truth…i.e. my lyrics may have some “wisdom” of let go and heal but they are counteracted by my demonstrated “wisdom” of hold on and try harder and fight and push and don’t give up… basically I’m a paradox or maybe not even that cool, maybe we all are split, but i feel like i was raised on hyperactive ambition, 10 piano competitions a year and all As and scholarships and fellowships and hey let’s write perform in cast direct a musical for my honors thesis let’s be ALL THE THINGS…followed by or blended with, let’s read taoism and go thru trauma and flooded repressed memories and become aware of our own awfulness, some due to the abuses we suffered, and instead of crumpling into self-hate let’s unbury and get help and become more and forgive ourselves first and then those who hurt us or the other way around, all the while letting go and go and go and go… THESE TWO APPROACHES being OPPOSITES, and unreconcilable. You can’t hold on AND let go.  Dark and light, emptiness and fullness.  Want/need and surrender.  Nothingness and fullness…I don’t know.  I learned I want both, but that makes me a pendulum, always unsatisfied, impossible to resolve…not sure which is truly me…nurture is so strong, but nature is too.  Not fighting either anymore, and if that means a violently fast moving swing between the two, well then I’m just trying to keep up.

That’s it.  Bye blog!  Come find me on YouTube for my newest challenge “52 Dreams!” where I draw slips of paper (cut into clouds) from jars…containing all my relentless obnoxiously unending to-do lists, separated into big and little “dreams” (i.e. who can have 52+ dreams? i have my “let’s make albums” and “let’s make music vids” and “let’s tour” and “lets be in a solo project” and “let’s be in a band” and “let’s make money as a piano teacher and music theory tutor and songwriting mentor” and “let’s travel and see family 2x a year” OH and I know, let’s also have 52 other “side dreams” that we shame ourselves into doing…or feel bad about not doing…it’s insane and i want to learn a whole new way of thinking about this, so I invented this challenge all about FAILING, or gracefully falling, or just “getting started” and letting things evolve or DEvolve, naturally.  Eventually.  Hopefully.  First, I need a year of looking at this.  So I can undo the weirdness of this habit…I think it’s the world.  I think the world tells us to “to-do”.  I don’t want that world.  I like flowing and ebbing and moving gracefully in my mornings, into afternoons spent teaching, into nights spent making or unwinding or doing other habits i should or shouldn’t be doing (mostly snacks)…i like flow.  i hate shame.  but i don’t want to shame myself about having shame, or feeling shame, or being shaming to myself…it is human and natural, and we’re all on a path and it’s okay.  a million okays.

goodbye for now blogging, you stress me out…I like smiling at my phone and talking, and not noticing my wonky punctuation or weird writing style 🙂

BYE!
Jessica
xoxo

p.s. but seriously find me on Instagram or YouTube – I’m on the former near-daily, and the latter near-weekly. bye!

Month 11 thoughts and feels (so close!)

Hello world…

I am doing well-ish, and have *mostly* gotten over sharing my traumas wildly online…I read somewhere once that that’s a therapy trick.  Having no real response, learning to tell your story as it is. Except I have been doing it with songs.  And rambles like this.

One beautiful outcome of all this, is I believe in myself again.  Posted a 5th grade casio pop video and found my 5th grade self really was confident.  Before social issues, puberty, boy problems, and being disliked or ignored or uncool.  Before I internalized the world.  Before known trauma, or an understanding of trauma.  Tough, and smiley, and liking to perform…

It’s on my instagram, I’ll share more I’m sure someday.  They are the songs I rerecorded in month 3, called Childhood.

I feel like it’s hard to talk consisely because I’m referring to things you most likely never saw or watched.  It’s strange to live such a prolific life, because no one but me knows all the content.  And I don’t like it all, but I feel called to make it.

So that’s the corner I’m turning finally.  I felt private, like I was hiding, and it felt good to share all the “hundreds of songs a year” that I write.  And have written long before the 365 days.  BUT from a practicality standpoint, I’m eager to just move forward like a regular musician – albeit having more to choose from – I still want to put my best foot forward, like I did in ’10 and ’14…making a “real” album as they say.  Tho I believe in the Velveteen Rabbit and Pinocchio, and broken or wooden things are real to me too.  So I like these wild years, because they have taught me who I am…and I’ve been told they’ve been useful to others, who didn’t know how to move forward…getting trapped in trauma loops is a very real thing.

Last month’s album is probably my favorite one from a songwriting perspective, if you’re going to listen to 1 of the 12.  This month was going to be the “last” “Friend Ship” but I doubt it will be…I might release ‘December, 2015’ instead.  Had it all done but chose to release new songs, in December.  Felt so right to let myself off the hook like that, and honor the present, back then.  And now, it doesn’t feel right to hold these songs much longer…I don’t need to edit them a million times, it can be lo-fi.  Tho there’s two I’ll be rerecording for an EP someday, I hope.

And the Friend Ship is landing slowly…because I’m having Bryan mix and edit it, and it’s only 4 songs, but in a way, these don’t feel like they *really* count, because I meant to release em all back in May before the hard drive crash.

But releasing em in 3 small parts has made it so I can honor each moment…so many people I’ve loved or admired, some up close, some from afar, doing these songs with me.  It’s pretty cool to have them captured in time here…some became closer friends after this, some were like ships passing in the night, some grew apart, all in love or with the best intentions…

Wow.  I don’t sound normal when I talk.  I have finally come to accept that being weird isn’t about whether or not I feel weird.  It’s about whether or not this is weird from a societal perspective, i.e. compared to others.  So yes, I get it.  I’m weird. Or this is weird.  Releasing so much, sharing so wildly, with abandon, saying anything…referencing a thousand projects in mixed up order so no one can follow.  Like I really know what I’m talking about but I get that this is jumbly nonsense in a way.  Probably why I stopped blogging.  In my own personal journal this is useful, but for someone to come across and read, kinda pointless.  And one person once, after meeting me, read a current blog post instead of my “about” section, and then preached at me for 5 minutes on how to be x y or z and I wanted to be like, dude that’s just how I was feeling that day.  But thanks for the unsolicited advice haha…

It’s okay.  It’s all okay.  I’m happy, as happy perhaps as a transient human can be. My life is simple, I teach piano and songwriting, it’s nice, my families and students appreciate me, I’m tough without being mean, which took a long time to learn how to be…getting back to the gym is helping me learn that balance (how to have standards and goals without using shame to get there).

Sooooo I would like to list all my dreams and plans here but honestly that’s what got me into this mess.  Stating things like “I will record and share 365 songs!” or “I will release 12 lofi albums” (well I never said lo-fi but DUH it’s that…also I originally said EPs were okay, but ended up with mostly albums :/)

I have a new challenge in mind for next year – barring impeachment – again, this is keeping me sane and focused on light and positive change (rather than fighting darkness – but you can’t “fight” darkness, unless you yourself feel light …this process has made me feel so much light that I’m practically floating off this planet, because I never knew you could change this much, in a lifetime…but listening for guidance, following dreams, it’s like a north star, you can feel it in your bones, one tiny wish at a time, except you make the wish AND you’re the one making the wish come true).

All in all, be yourselves people.  It’s okay, the world won’t end. You’ll get looked at like you’re weird, but if you ARE weird, then that means you’ll get looked at like you’re YOU.  And then over time, people will accept it (accept you) and shut up about it.  And then it’s win-win cuz they learn how to not be judgy and annoying, and YOU get to be yourself.

Well…that’s all for today.  I have so many more things I want to share, but I’ve shared a lot, so overall this whole process brought me great peace.  To know that I’m more known than ever before, which is like some sort of spiritual realignment…like this was my chiropractor and my spirit was my spine and I feel popped back in place somehow.  Mostly thru 500+ moments of self and others forgiveness…I really think that’s the secret to growing.  You have to forgive the wind that knocked you down, if you want to get up again, knowing that there’s wind (and it could happen again).  Otherwise, it’s just logic, of COURSE you’d stay down.  But – i think – it hurts less when you’re expecting it.  Like I expect people to ignore me now, to turn on me, to swear they love me and are helped by me, and then go back to ignoring me, I even expect mean words cuz trolls abound.  It’s just real life.  It sucks and I understand why so many people don’t want to play a role they used to want to play.  It’s dark and people are cruel and wearing your heart on your sleeve is painful even in neutral.  Why not just block your feelings?  My only agrument then to that approach is that time will pass, you will feel less, and later – much later perhaps – you *might* say “wait, what happened” and you’ll feel like you’re waking from a dream (like I felt) – like 20 years went by like nothing, and you weren’t really doing what you felt called to do, in your heart or mind or soul.  And then it’s NOT too late (no matter what anyone tells you) it’s just harder.  It’s hard to be my age and “competing” with my musical peers who are younger and have more “potential.”  It’s hard to be older from a lot of other perspectives too, physical health, etc.  It’s hard psychologically, to feel weird for being older while “chasing” and “young person dream” (aka being yourself, following the same dream you had since you were 3, which is an active calling and never went away).  So whatever those dreams are for you, if there is one, keep listening, keep fighting for yourself…because I swear this is all connected to that death bed feeling people talk about, of “did I try?” “was I myself?” “did I care enough?” “did I fulfill my ‘potential’?”  It’s not possible to do perfectly, or sometimes even well, but did you care or did you try seems to be a common theme.  And I have years if not over a decade of not trying, or hiding in another path, because fear.

It’s okay, it just is.  Trauma does that to people.  But here I am, telling you, despite all awkwardness and pain, it is worth it to unbury.  To find who you are and follow it again, like a child.

xoxo to the world-
Jessica

p.s. I also think it’s 100% okay to just live for the moment and be present – not everyone has such an obvious path or calling, some people’s callings are to help or be helpful,  and the content on which you help is less important than listening to the calling to be helpful (for love, for joy, for connection, for community).  Bye for now 🙂

Forgettable Songs vs things that feel lived in (but still growing)

An example of how segmented my mind can be:
 
I recently expressed a small sorrow, where I realized I was barely writing songs this year (compared to years of “hundreds of songs a year” like I used to awkwardly say, or my 365+ songs last year)
 
Just now I realized that 2 of the last 3 releases were songs entirely written that day or week, for that month’s release.
 
Like September and October are albums of all new songs.
 
Maybe I didn’t realize it because they went straight to album, instead of into my private personal recorder or phone where I quietly learned them without sharing for a long time. That process always made a song feel so real, like a lived in blanket or pair of slippers.
 
This new way means I feel so much at the moment my heart and mind are stirred to write, and then most of them are abandoned almost instantly (oh wait, that’s the same as with the recorder! no one knew i was doing it tho…whoa, just realized that too…each year of hundreds of songs, I’d only learn to play 3 or 4 of them…)
 
I guess I just realized I’m the master of forgettable songs, how to write things fast, repeat yourself often, and once in a blue moon, be lucky enough to stumble on something really inspiring or inspired.
>>>
Okay so I just named this post.  It was a Facebook post til it got so long that I felt self-conscious…even with this community of my 1,200 most trusted friends (no wonder we all ‘brand’ ourselves…there’s never been a time in human history where we had to present ourselves so consistently and similarly (to our own known self) to so many people…)

Not sure where or why I’m going with that.

Basically…just saying, this is why it’s so hard to find yourself.

Or “be yourself.”

The further away you get from those epicenters, the less people relate to you, or want you…and as you pull away more and more, it gets really lonely…except or until, those rare moments in time when a lonely soul becomes an epicenter, and people become curious about their strangeness…

I wonder sometimes.  Is that what this is? Finding myself while paying attention to what irritates people?  What makes people connect?  I know long rambly blog-style posts on my Facebook are hard to relate to.  But other times – very rare times – we are lucky to embody a truth that is so shared in humanity, at that current time or always, that it becomes looked at.  And those rare few get rewarded for being themselves.  And also scorned and envied.  There is so much complexity to this process…

Basically I spent the night wondering how or why my heart has grown so much, just from challenging myself to do things I’d always wanted to do.

I think I’m , sort of , maybe , growing up?

Or rather…having the time and space, without trauma (this time around) to process arrested development… which I actually think is common with those with post-trauma stress… disorder or just basic humanity, all labels and stigmas aside.

So I feel like, here I am, sitting on the edge of a cliff – looking out, seeing all of you, people I’ve admired all this time, worried if you’d really see me…not taking the time to pause and let you know, my life – truly – has been a secret obsession with a non-stop seeing of YOU.  I come off perhaps like I want you to see me.  But that’s because – inside my own heart, in my own private spaces – I’m always thinking about you.  I want some space for me, or for someone to return the favor.

And it never occurred to me – until very recently – like very very recently – that I could give myself my own gift.  I could take that focus and put it on myself, not as a creator or talking, speaking outwardly, creating content, hoping to be loved or accepted or at the very least tolerated…but even tolerance involves inclusion, and if you are a social being (which we really and almost secretly all are), you first need to feel included to also feel tolerated.  And if you don’t feel included, it is like intolerance (imagined)…when really it’s just un-observance.

The people I always admired – from rock stars with no time free to write back all fans, to friends and acquaintance I looked up to who never had time for me – I always thought the solution would be to finally hear from them.  I never thought it would be to try to understand them.  To look at their busy lives and see how many people they know, how many people they love, how many people want their time…to really see them as people. To see myself in them and vice versa.

I would want – if I were them – to be understood, for how busy I am, to be tolerated, for ghosting you… not because I want that persona, but because my life is short and my own, and I want to pay attention to it.  Not constantly think about you, and how you seem disappointed in me or my actions. I would want to live my life and time with my closest people, not to shut you out or make you feel small, but because my time and attention are precious to me.  I care about those closest relationship – and no matter how much love, we just can’t have those close of relationships with everyone.

I think that’s why I’m a hugger.

It’s an instant way to hold someone a little too long, to give them a little too much of you, and to take some of them in.  It’s a fast way to communicate that I care about someone.  It doesn’t mean I’ll have time for you (though I wish I would) – it means I care about you, and if I had all the time, I’d choose to get to know you!  Stranger, long lost friend, new friend, all the friends.  I HATE (and I rarely hate things) this idea that love can be finite. That to love you, I have to love someone else less.

I don’t believe that.  Love is so expansive.  The more I have for my sister, the more I have for my partner.  When I feel like my love for them is in competition with each other (I rarely feel this, but if/when I do…) I have to realize that’s not love.  That’s time. Or attention. Or energy. This is why I trust flow. This is why I require freetime…

I’ve learned that to negotiate time when love is involved, for me, it has to be very fluid.

Natural. Relaxed.

Things schedule themselves enough naturally…I’ve worked so hard to schedule all my life.

Everything and anything that needs scheduling.  So I try to let anything that doesn’t NEED to be on a schedule, be part of the river of ideas flowing through me…

When to write that friend back…
When to dream…
When to journal about said dreams (real or waking)…
When to make lists…
IF to make lists…

All of it I just let go and flow with time like it’s my friend not foe…

And I know this is right for me and those like me, and not for everyone.

Of course I go to work at 2:30/3 every workday.  Or at 11am some days, eating dinner after 9pm most nights when I’m done teaching.  That is something you need to schedule…and I’m hypervigilant about stuff like that.  I’m also hyperfocused on contracts, communication related to deadlines, and other A student type things.

And the more I connected things all around me – the more came my way – the last thing I wanted to do was schedule it all ‘perfectly.’

In fact stuff like this – moments like this – times I felt connected were previously (since 2006 or 8) were blown up, sabotaged.  I think, over and over again after that. There’s something people say about success being harder or worse than failure…I think that’s not well put…

Like, I mean, success means you have to do more things.  To keep it.

Failure means you get that spacious feeling and get to dream and start again.

Success is a puzzle and once it gets going – if you start to see the picture in it – you can’t change pictures, you can’t alter the trajectory, people can’t dream anymore and wonder what kind of puzzle picture you’ll be when finished, it is now 100% clear that you will be cats.  500 tiny cats, or some puzzle analogy I ran out of steam before finishing.

…Played one of my favorite shows yesterday, surreal really.
Opened for Mutual Benefit with my band cloudlight.  Love that band, even tho it’s so hard for me.  Bands are so intentional, making a commitment to people and time and envisioning together, it’s so hard and wonderful and weird…I don’t know.  There’s so much that we are getting to be part of because of this band, or that I am as Jessica in The Rainbow.  Communities of people are saying hey and giving me a smile or friendly word or two…and I think I forget when I start paragraphs like these, that even my own self-involvement, my own being excited about my own projects – collaborative or solo – is that they connect me to and with all of you.  I literally float after meeting a couple people in Minneapolis or Milwaukee, I feel bigger and more aware of the world and how people are thinking differently in different places and at different times…

Like Minneapolis 2008 is very different from Minneapolis 2018…when I talk about whether or not I would have moved there, or ever would, the years I’m referring to are so different, environments change, motivations, ways of living…I think there’s something so fresh and so fragile about going around and meeting now-people of any place, even one I’ve been before…

I hope you see this reading as an arrogant self-involved confident list of personal insight that is perhaps or actually HIGHLY unrelateable…

Because it would or will serve my point.

That I’m unrelateable because I’ve felt like this inside for so long but I figure it’s so unlikeable to share thoughts like this, to be this version of “being yourself”…without seeming lame or tragic…

I think it just IS lame or tragic to be this constantly reflective…which is probably why I rarely do it anymore.

Hence the progress.  Hence feeling more real.  I feel more obsessed with others than ever, but also feel a heavy burden lifting that says it’s okay to hit pause on that and stare at myself, and my closest loved ones, and dearest more trusted friends and be very intentional about those areas of closeness…and don’t allow space to come between them just because it feels selfish.

I think this is coming off highly convoluted.

I guess all I’m saying is the most self-centered-seeming are really others-obsessed and giving themselves no love (they are giving you all the power, waiting for you to give some back – giving you all the attention, waiting for you to give some back)…

And perhaps – I mean no ill will – those who seem the least self-centered, are actually adept at going inward and facing themselves, connecting with themselves, and actually giving themselves so much attention and love and care and intuition and gravity, that actually those might be the most self-centered of us of all.

So the words we use, carry weight, because in this case the right idea just wasn’t conveyed.  At least to me…

I am a recovering others-obsessed type, trying to become more me-obsessed in a healthy way, not in a begging for attention sharing anything way…

Me-obsessed in taking the time to analyze where I’m letting myself down, I mean, like that.  Trying to be my own guide…not just letting me ramble and wonder if anyone will listen or read it.

Maybe this one is relateable, or maybe it’s the least relateable of all.

I don’t know, like I honestly don’t.

Maybe that’s what blogging is…or maybe I really am just an undecided person.

I encourage you to find who you are, what you love, or some other tidbit…then if the world seems not to care, just show them anyway.  Street corners, wherever…don’t worry how many people come, give yourself permission to just do it.

Then when you do it, eventually people might come…and if they do, then be aware you’ll realize, then and there, it’s been about the other people all along.  You wanted their love and now you have so now what?  What are you going to do with it?  You are going to surely let them down, because they all have different ideas of what ‘good’ is.  I don’t know…

It just all depends on if you want to ‘become’ something, where you’re going – who you think you are, or if you are content where you are.  Having reached the top, some may ask you to go higher, but where you are is beautiful and you meant to come down…you saw the work involved, realized which things were you and which things weren’t, and you said ‘okay this is it.’  Until that ‘it’ was fun and people were kind and you reconsidered.

It’s okay, I know this sounds horribly arrogant, for a horrifically unfamous person to talk openly about their experience going from completely unknown to relatively unknown.  What is unknown?  Anonymity, openness, decision, potential.  What is known, even relative?  Predetermination, set things, schedules, decisions already made, now to follow through on.  Anyone who knows me even one ounce, for one day or second, knows that my heart resonates with the first – even tho I’m pushing myself to learn how to do the second.  I think and hope and imagine that’s okay…I don’t know. Why push ourselves to do or be anything?  I feel like mine is drastic and strange curiosity.  Like why not just ask others how x y or z felt? Why try to live it?  I mean if you’re not naturally a certain way, why try to become it?  Only to realize how hard it is, and wonder who is naturally wired like this?  It’s hard and strange, imagining my life as linear…it reads like a story or a novel with too many chapters, and I’m not that old.  I mean we’re all aging and clearly I have a past…MFA, Chicago, NY, Conservatory training, jobs in theatre all over, piano teaching… but with relationships and my relationship to music (personal music, JiTR and Jessica Fogle singer-songwriter stuff) I feel like I’ve had so many strange chapters, including these new ones of the past 1 yr and 8 months, challenges up the wazoo, I don’t even know why or how…oh yea, I sucked at activism and the world was on fire and all I could do is cry and express.  First words, then music, sometimes piano, sometimes words, sometimes real and grounded, other times highly existential to the point of ridiculous (it took a mountain to remind me that I’m afraid of death and maybe shouldn’t talk about it all the time…even more afraid of physical pain, which pretty poetry can transcend until it happens to you or someone you know…)

This blog entry is wild.  I haven’t been blogging, haven’t wanted it, feels gross and oversharey.  But then I watched an hour show that was just talking about the nature of time, like casually, impromptu stuff from people I like…and I remembered people’s unformed thoughts can have value.  Maybe this has value to you.  There’s so much out there to read or do…I can’t imagine why you would be watching this, or reading this, or allowing me to unfold in your heart and mind.

A friend of mine reframed this for me recently…maybe you like watching someone in your culture go on a journey.  Maybe what’s relateable is not the details but the unfolding of my heart, through words and stories.

Maybe not though.  For any one person who gets something from this I’m sure there’s at least 20 who aren’t reading now…oh wait, that’s like that anonymity I crave (while talking)…maybe that’s my secret power!  Talk so much that only those who like you would still be listening now!  Thereby attracting only kindness to you, cause no one else even has time to explain to you how overwhelming this is for them (or insert their own word – annoying, space-taking, invasive, just too much, crazy, etc.)

But I know I’m on a journey, in a process, learning from all the changes I’ve been making.  4 more albums to release this ‘year’ (April 2018- March 2019)…I want them to be good, but I also want to have a life that I love.  And enjoy.  And friends, and family, and a significant other to hold.  I have to balance them, or give up on quality.  It’s my only solution.  Which is like CHOOSING negative reviews (all the people who are like, what is this? even lofi nowadays is more beautifully curated than what I’m putting out…someone called me Rainbow Punk once, and I think that or Lullaby Punk is about right…Punk just records on a handheld tape recorder and says fk it, i’m done, this is it… that’s how i feel all the time, but it isn’t a genre for beautiful music, or soothing music…in the soothing music world, there is an expectation to make every sonic quality soothing, to make it all good, aurally, sonically, ever little stray sound…do I shoot myself in the foot by not getting better at this?

Yes. This is what I meant earlier, it would be HIGHLY selfish – in a wonderful way perhaps – if I could learn to ask myself these questions and do the work to accomplish the solutions – all the while ignoring what I think others might be thinking of how I’m doing it…if I think about them, I don’t have time to think about solutions in my own brain.  Right?  This is new to me.  Like really, just box people out to get stuff done? Is this what all you people I’ve clawed at my whole life are doing?  Not worrying about replies or smiles, just focusing on what needs to get done…and that’s why you share such beautiful things, because you’ve made time for doing so?

I want to learn from you, and be more like you.

I will try.  I’m sorry if I not only appear more selfish in the process (more absent, more aloof) but if I accidentally really become so.  Like if I really focus on me enough to have something beautiful enough at the end of the day to give to you…I think I’m getting tired (finally, i.e. growing up, where I started) of giving you half-finished unbeautiful to almost-beautiful things.

I want to give you something beautiful, the way I hear the work of those I admire…I could list so many here, but instead I’ll keep that for myself, and will imitate your habits, and try to become more like you.  Carefully doing the work, not for praise or glory, but to create beautiful things to share, when they are ready…because why be half-beautiful?

Thankfully I’ve surround myself with people who think about this all the time, or just are more deliberate than me (thanks Bryan for crafting our cloudlight record…my casual or sloppy ways are a kind of indecisiveness, untrainedness, mixed with indifference or boredom…a lack of care…you care so much, about every detail…I do too, I guess on some piano parts…maybe I’m just untrained in audio recording, and bored with my frustration with that, so I just move on…)

Wow. This was a long unexpected one. It’s 4:30 am.  Opened for Mutual Benefit last night.  Feeling so much goodness…it’s been a beautiful worthwhile process, trying to become.  Or rather, letting go of hiding who I’ve been becoming without effort.  More like pulling back the curtain on something…I mean, effort in the details, the work, the curating shows, the bringing people together, to our house, fests, out to see us, appreciating people openly, as openly as possible, but it’s so embarassing…to be this gushy and open, in a world that doesn’t talk like this.

But curtain back.  This is what I look like in journals.  I’m sure it’s laughable to many.  Why are they still reading?  They’re not, I trust.  Those who are…what do you relate to? What’s the resonance? I want to understand how and why we connect the way we do…and I don’t know how to do so succintly.  It’s a curse…but it fills time, and maybe for some, that’s a useful thing.

I will fill time for you all day, seriously I have like 14 albums online, and lots more songs I could send you if you run out (2014-2016 is seriously untapped…lemme know)

Okay gotta end on a joke. Mostly cuz I feel like I can’t stop…not gonna comment on that, just…

Didilly doo + thanksgiving feelings

Hello blogland…

I don’t know, haven’t been feeling the need to do this.  Probably because I haven’t been working on albums lol…

Should have written after I worked my butt off on a kids album for a week, only to discover it was a MUCH bigger project than this lo-fi monthly album process can accomodate.  Was sad for over a week about that… never really talked about it with anyone except my sister.  THEN a few days ago, the computer I made the album on CRASHED.  I have the album, somewhere in there, backed up…but it’ll take weeks to recover (first repair computer, then restore album via Carbonite…)

Soooooo that’s not my December release I guess.  I’d hoped for it…even made a cute Bandcamp page…but it’s not meant to be …yet (?)

Moving on, been in cloudlight land mostly, lately…show at the Park Thtr, now with Mutual Benefit coming up. Lots of practice. Playing with our friend Travis a lot lately, on drums, that’s nice…letting go a little, holding that rope (tempo) gets exhausting, it’s nice to be a little more auxiliary…

Today I peeled ALL the stickers (70 total?) off my car, to get it ready to sell.  Woo.  Whew. All the woos and whews…

I’m exhausted. Strange time to blog.  Just seemed stranger to have such an old blog…
Came here looking to copy/paste a press quote for a package I’m sending to WYCE for Jammie consideration…

It’ll be strange to let go of a package lovingly made of 8 albums, all lo-fi, all made this year, for consideration for awards when I know they are so so so so lofi low-quality compared to studio recordings that people invest money in (not just time).  (I invest LOTS of time…and heart, love…you name it, if it’s feelings, they’re in there)…

Who knows. Blogging is weird and pointless mostly.  Me talking. I like journalling better. Here it feels strange like, why am I sharing this?  I guess I wonder if someone somewhere would be helped by me being more transparent.  I don’t know if it’s true.  Good experiment tho.  I think we’d ALL be helped by ALL of us being more transparent…nothing specific about me, just transparency in general.

We talk in generalities, when we are helped so much by details and specifics…

I love you world.  But honestly I love God more…and the clouds and treetops and things that make me feel like I can float away and be elsewhere…not because a specific place is better or would be better…just because I sense non-being would be better…well that’s a contradiction…it wouldn’t be anything!  I just think all we strive to be is be-loney…baloney? be-lonely? it’s ridiculous…unless you can find a way to make it fun, build community, find friends, focus on true friends, let go of things that are serving lower purposes, accept you can’t help everyone, keep your head down, do the work, focus on what you can do, all that good stuff…

I hope to help, where I can…but also I’m exhausted. It’s all so much, and I love life and doing things, which is why no matter how exhausted I get excited about the next thing…

New car, tour I’m planning, shows with friends, wacky wild giving myself a chance to be and breathe and have a fun life…middle school and high school weren’t fun for me, felt left out and alone most the time…or like I had one friend at a time, didn’t relate to most people, had problems with the few people I did relate to, or we moved apart, etc…school got bigger, there were drug problems in our school, boy problems, things people did to be cool that were highly dysfunctional, all the trying to fit in…LOST MYSELF.  You didn’t want to stand out at that age, standing out meant having no pack and being alone.  I lived alone, because as much as I tried to fit in I never really could.  4’11” and talkative and bright nerdy teachers pet and music/theatre person…so many places I didn’t fit and wanted to . So. desperately.

Thank you to the one-on-one friends who were there.  I remember you so fondly.  Unless you’re one of the ones that turned on me with meanspirited teasing… I still can’t handle teasing to this day, because of some of the cruelty from those years.

I wish it wasn’t something kids do, kids go thru, so many kids, not just me…that is good to know and remember.  We all have crappy middle school or high school stories. Or college maybe?  It’s all a mess.

Try if you can (to myself, and maybe you) not to get lost in it.

It’s universal stuff.  Everyone hurts.  All hurt has origins.  It’s okay, you’re not alone or unique in pain.  We all have it.  That’s both frightening and DEEPLY comforting, if you let it be.

Hugs xoxo

 

 

Wasted

No I’m not wasted right now lol (though I did just pour a glass of wine, but I rarely drink more than a drink or two, and only occasionally or in phases…sometimes, lots of times, it doesn’t agree with me or I don’t see the point).

This blog post is called Wasted because I feel like I’m becoming an expert on the strange ramifications of a “wasted life” that you later try to recover…either through therapy, or creativity, or through a strange back cataloguing like I’ve been doing lately… (Childhood album, Survival Skills (H.S. thru early 20s), and More Survival Skills (early to mid 20s) – basically spent my whole summer going to the past, and it left a gaping hole in my now-timeline, that is bothering me, and now I have to fill by using THIS now to fill THAT past in, with content appropriate to those moods and feelings…which is a waste of THIS now, and later I’ll have to fill in this now once it’s past, with catching up on things, anyone who makes to-do lists knows what i’m talking about…)

The time for dreaming is NOW.
But the time for DOING is also NOW.

You can’t do or be both.

If now feels like dream time, or reflect time, or be time…then just be and dream and reflect.

If it feels like DO time, then do it, by all means.

But this idea that we can catch up on a life – via lists, exhausting all the loose ends…I’m losing it, I’m getting over it.

I was ABOUT to announce next year’s challenge.

But maybe I won’t do it.

Or I will but what things will I sacrifice that 2019 would have held, that would have happened organically?

I miss organic.

The challenge was going to be called (or will be called) “52 Unfinished Things”

And it was a chance to have a weekly challenge for once.

Mostly musical balls I dropped, projects left unfinished, so many things…

But I’m thinking, now, if a ball got dropped, was it maybe because I didn’t want to play with it? (catch metaphor, coming to mind?)

I don’t know…

If I do the challenge, and we’ll see, I’d like to invite you to do it with me.

You can pick your own lucky number…whatever you choose. And it can be personal, or career…but a week is a good amount of time….

A Monday to a Sunday.  OR A Tuesday to a Monday…that way weekends can just be enjoyed!

I think I would finish musicals, or release a kids album, or write that xmas album, or do that favor a friend asked for in 2008 (score a song they wanted to sing in auditions), or some other thing…I mean, not all the things.  Maybe go to the gym…or maybe a peace week, or a nature week…

Maybe it’d just be called “52 Things”

I dunno.
This just stresses me out.

But follow-through has been hard for me…
And I’d like to book tours, library shows, send out resumes, and do more in general…but every thing like that is always full of boring busywork…so I often would just choose more and more writing…or relaxing (in addition to work).(and now releasing albums too)

I was good at school when things were assigned.

I might even take suggestions.

Finish those music videos, make that art (sayings and doodles to hang on your wall), sew stuffed animals for my kids videos, so many things I want to do, that get buried or pushed aside on a list of 20+ things…

Is this you?

Organize closets, basement clean out, buy cute baskets, make a sticker collection, paint a room…I know so many people full of ideas…write a book, a play, a poetry collection, but they get lost in the long list of things that must be done in order to accomplish a larger goal.  Maybe if we do it together, it could be fun…

I don’t know.

4 more lo-fi albums.  9,10,11,12 …then a release party.

Tonight I’m moving albums 4 and 5 (or 3 and 4, depending how you count) over to jessicafogle.bandcamp.com

Because the tone is Chicago, they don’t fit my JiTR vibe at all…I don’t want to play the songs live, except maybe 2 of em, but I just wanted to preserve them, and honor my past.  I did that now…ready to let go.  Move on…

Starting to, move in that direction anyway. ❤

So my nows can be nows, so that work can be honestly assessed and not piled up in my head.

Even head-piles are like saying yes when you mean maybe or no.

LATER is a cruel thing to say to yourself.  What is later?  If you’re not passionate enough about something to do it NOW (or very close to now, as soon as time realistically frees up), then maybe you aren’t “meant to” (wanting to) do it at all.  Why lie about that?  Why not JUST SAY NO!

Working on this and so many things.  Tired of wasting a life…well, tired of living out the remnants of a wasted life (prior to 2014), and thinking that I have to devote 2017 and beyond to honoring those dreams…

I want to have new dreams.  I am so close.  Getting these old dreams out of my system so I can see who I really am NOW.

Friend Ship is pretty now, so is Childhood (strangely! songs from 1st-7th grade :)… maybe the mistake was when I thought I had to do ALL past stuff just cuz I wanted to do 1st-7th grade past stuff!  I mean, my motivation for that was that I love those songs and I feel whimsy and wanted to let go of Trauma Jess…and relearn my younger self…and instead I finished it and then said “welp, now I have to be a historian and preserve EVERYTHING” which is CRAZY cuz I write too many songs.  The ones I released don’t even come close…pretty close but not close enough.

Gonna still put the Chicago albums 3-12 up there…and maybe over the years, if I’m bored, I’ll relearn those and rerecord those 10 albums …for fun, ya know.

Did I not just learn anything?

I guess it’s progress that I said maybe?

Whatever.  Life is weird.  I’m having fun, in a weird “this isn’t really all that fun” sort of way.

Love you world, hugs to you – hope you voted today.  And if you wanna hear my newest album, I really like it, it feels very now.  In that, my heart is in it, now.  Super intensely.  And it represents where I’m going, too.

Maybe that’s what feeling current really means.

Maybe “current” has that double meaning…it’s not just where you are, but also where you’re going.

So when you spend time on a time capsule, etched in stone, it’s like engraving a rock that now you will walk away from (or float down stream from in the current) and then it’s like, hmm what’s the point?  If you didn’t mean to continue rock carving as a profession, or you aren’t saying things in stone that you now feel, why etch them? What is there to preserve, when it will all wash away?

The things that will stay with me are ephemeral, fleeting, transient, and PERMANENT all at once.  Like this lesson about time, and the now.

I wanted to release two other albums, that got pushed aside for these ones…Time & The Sky (aka Day 104 of 365), and Tiny Traumas, adding up (or ‘out of body, in your skin’) …

Those mean more to me.
Not because the songs are better, but because they are unhealed wounds, words I’m still journeying with…not to etch in stone for others, but to keep rereading myself, to float with, to absorb, those songs (from 2014-2018) are far more appealing to me, and that was MISSED.  I wasted that would-be now, to share a long-past…and I can’t get it back…

Unless?

Maybe those songs are still calling.
I honestly don’t know.
I have so many albums and songs from 2014-2018…I can’t keep up.  Way more than 4 more.  I don’t know what to focus on.

Follow my heart and my own need, I guess.

Hope you all can too. ❤

Mountain feelings, an inside job

What happened to me…
I don’t recognize myself…
I think I need to go on a long walk in Michigan to figure out how the mountains changed me…

Here. Something is swampy here, to me.  I have a picture of Michigan with the basin showing, the whole center of it is water…

I never had this thought before, or understood my own sensation of this place, prior to living 8,000 ft in the air for a week…the air was thinner, drier, and I felt calmer. Less prone to so many words…my mind was clearer, or just my emotions were, maybe.  I don’t know. It’s hard to separate what affects what. Things happened, emotions, feelings, kids conversations…so much love. Being a busy aunt when I’m usually a spacious and schedule-filling piano teacher…time alone is my usual MO, but on this trip I was rarely alone.  My bf is a lovely human who cares so much for me, but sometimes we are like co-habitating introverts, different show interests, different needs, we do a lot separately in our downtime. And I’m a transplant and all my friends live 40 minutes away…I find myself prone to isolation, solo projects, …

Why?

I mean, Colorado changed me so much somehow that I don’t even like blogging right now.  Why share all this? What am I keeping track of? Yes this challenge has been hard. Everything feels hard. Why push myself. Why not just age and have dreams I never filled like many people…why not age and realize I “meant to” be x y z and I “wish I’d” released 12+ albums but I didn’t. And just let it be one of those sad things, but also enlightening, where you realize maybe you didn’t do xyz because you were too busy having a family, caring for someone, doing other jobs, etc.

Sometimes what we actually want isn’t what we think we wanted.

Why isn’t it just okay that I never became super public about my creativity?
Why have these super self-pushy years where I MAKE myself share a song every day (instead of the 300+ songs I wrote a year, since 2015-ish, that I like and enjoy listening to alone) why share them? why think anyone else would care? they are scrappy and clearly I didn’t want to start sharing them or polishing them or I would have gotten better sound recording equipment…and when I did have my boyfriend’s to use, I did, but I kept with the scrappy thing, the tons of output in terms of number of songs, but almost no polish. Sometimes layering for fun, but an inability to get too lost in critical listening and editing…probably because I spent years on one album once, super detailed examinations of every little thing, but then no labels wanted it.  So why bother?

Maybe it’s that. Maybe it’s that I’m in an industry that I’m aging out of.

Age has been on my mind. The older I get, the more I see what a young industry this is. The only old people involved in it were famous at 22 or something…it’s not welcoming to the old and the experienced, unless there was once fame involved.  More for women, some men can keep going past 30…but most women start to…

I don’t know what I’m talking about really.

I just know I feel a lot right now, in this swamp, in my isolation…
Family in Minnesota, and Colorado now…
Here I am 11 hrs from anyone from my past, this strange start-over life here in Michigan…
Not really knowing who I am.
I stayed here for love…I think it was the right thing to do, I don’t doubt that.
But right now it just feels random.
Found family is a thing, and even that feels like it isn’t quite real or happening here…

Maybe sometimes in our lives we feel more alone than others.

Maybe not having had children, partly just due to life situation, partly due to wanting to focus on music (and now seeing what the result of that is, a life of aunt-ness, and feeling separate and semi-lonely, even with friends and a great-as-anything boyfriend…)

It’s hard to reconcile.

I have an easier life because of it.  No kids to care for or pay for.
We can take risks, we can travel.
We can focus on writing or shows.
It’s great, when it’s great.
But there is something stabilizing and grounding about caring for and carrying on a bloodline…

I feel like I’m floating in space and time and no one really needs me all that much.

While in Colorado I became aware of the stories I tell myself,
how I create a lot of my sadness…
how if I wanted I could start telling better stories.
I could stop this blog nonsense and use my time and life to imagine whole worlds like the kids stories I told my niece, about Rainbowland.
I could speak and live in metaphors and healing and symbols and save the planet by soothing hearts, not everyone but certainly more than all this weepy bullshit is healing anyone…

And honestly, I don’t remember the last time I felt like it was in my power to stop the flow of this river.

I don’t remember the last time I thought – hey F-ing trauma, and all your results on my life. Hey 9-11, hey junky boyfriends, hey traumatizing ex-husband, hey all you people I gave my time and heart to, hey PTSD in all stripes, I don’t want you, I don’t owe you anything, I’m off to live in a big F-ing fantasy and YOU CAN’T STOP ME.  I’m off to make kids books and videos – not for kids, FOR MYSELF.  Because I need a way out of the madness of my own mind, the sadness of my own heart, the broken spirit…I need a return to “Rabbitland” the musical I wrote in 6th grade for drama or speech class, I need a return to sewing pillows for Home Ec, or when I made a kids’ album once as an adult (tho it was for the wrong reasons – it was to “get famous” or make money or do something practical…as if making kids music will for sure pay off economically)…

I need to do this FOR ME.

All this trauma music, has broken me.
Listen to my Childhood album if you want to know me.
You WILL HEAR THE SHIFT.  Pre 5th grade I was all Casio pop.
5th grade on, after Sara died, and I felt the burden to soothe and heal the school (when I could have just healed myself) and it went to my head, and then everyone turned on me, and boys were mean, and I got lost in sadness all thru HS, all of that…boys, drama, being disliked, compounding my shame, not good enough-ness…never good enough…trying to change to be liked, change for others…my songs became needy, whiny, obtuse, sad sad sad…all my heroes were sad, Sarah McLachlin, Fiona Apple, rape victims all of us, abuse victims, college was sad, wanting a man to love me for who I am when honestly, I was just so F-ing sad.  Who can love that?  Other than a super human wonder, who sees broken hearts and takes them into his own?

It’s so rare, I got so lucky to find a heart who saw mine and helped my healing, and was patient with me.  I have it in my sister too.  Patience while someone heals from complete brokenness, I don’t know how anyone does it… but two people have done it for me, and countless others have helped in small ways, and honestly it just feels selfish now to continue to wallow and weep here in this swamp, to stay broken by continuing to talk about the past.   There is a world of doing, a world of being, a world to create and be and do and I know how and I see the path and I know what I can do if I’d JUST SHIFT FOCUS.  It IS that simple, I’ve made 17 “ukulele talk” recordings of inspirational stuff for teens (back in 2015) unreleased, I’ve recorded at least a dozen Rainbowland rambles, song sketches, stories, characters half-developed, I have tons of material and info that could help someone…all saved for “later” as if I need to get this out first, and maybe I’m aging myself faster, by pushing all this out.  Maybe these two years – or year and a half – of pushing, has led to realizations that would have taken me another decade.  Maybe crazy people in the world and in the news, woke me up and made me speak and tell my story and finally heal from this fame obsession and hope for becoming a Fiona Apple or Sarah McLachlin or Tori Amos or Joanna Newsom, as if that’s some easy path or good comfortable life?  To be admired? What is that? To craft?  I have already toured, many times, only twice as a singer/songwriter (plus one-off regional shows, blah blah brag moment), but for a year and a half non-stop hard touring with a children’s theatre…many people’s schedules and needs, nonstop, in a van, hotels, movement, places, not much time spent, sure it sounds cool, but it’s exhausting, you don’t belong to a place…it’s intense.  My favorite tour was all around WI/IL/MN last year, for my solo record made up in a weekend, around Thanksgiving, time between shows to see family, it was great.  Alone.  I liked it.  I could still do that, maybe kids songs too, libraries…why do I have to be something grandiose?  When and how will I get over that? I LIKE SMALL.  That’s the hilarious irony of me spending all this time to be bigger, to make my resume bigger, to be more impressive to you, Mr. Library director, or venue owner…

I don’t want your approval.

I thought I did.

I’ve wanted my own.

I’ve wanted permission to do what I actually want to do.

Not what I think I should want, not what would make me feel or look “cool” (b.s. word by the way, wake up to this people).

I want permission to go outside and breathe the air, mountain air perhaps, see the sights, realize over and over and over and over how SMALL I AM.

That’s all I want.

I was such a success junkie as a kid, ambitious by default, all the awards and As and gold stars and 1s at solo and ensemble and state and whatever whatever it’s all whatever!  It will make you MAD!

Like angry 🙂

I have my sanity.  I mean, enough to say “this is insane” – sharing all this with the world.
Except I know almost no one ever will read this, so it’s not shared with “the world.”
It’s public, just enough that I feel like I matter – that this healing matters – that this isolation is chosen, like I can break free and be part of this crazy current honest open world we’re in, where people share shit, all the time, and it’s okay, worlds don’t end, life doesn’t break wide open…it just is. It’s no big deal. It’s not news.

I’m proud to say this saves me from medication.

Crying, talking, facing things, having friends who are confidants, even if it’s only 2 or 3 or 4 of them, saves me from needing to numb it all.

This world is broken right now. I feel stirred up daily by the social war, the growing opposition we all have to each other…
it’s disgusting and terrifying to see the way we’re vilifying each other.
Christians and Liberals is what it comes down to…
Acceptance, love, tolerance…everyone who most needs these things, is the least willing to give it to each other right now…
Who started it doesn’t matter…another country, a crazy pot-stirrer in chief…

What matters is calming down.
Somehow.
Wars begin like this, and I don’t want to live in a war.  Do you?
Deep breaths everyone…
We can have conversations again, no?
Can we hear each other?
Can we see that we are each others’ enemies?
Can we try to be kind even when expressing opposing views?
I know a lot is at stake.
I know there are people whose lives are being torn apart.
But somehow, we have to communicate these ideas to each other with kindness and tolerance and even love…

I’m not saying go hug a mass murderer…

I’m saying be kind, as much as you can, when calling people out…
before anyone else feels so accused and hated that they hate you back…

I don’t know.
I hate this message. It’s not popular on either side.
I am on one side…I believe my side is right.
But I believe that makes me the enemy to the other side.
I know that.
And I don’t want to be the enemy.
I want to REALLY see “COEXIST” come to life.
Somehow, I want all these very different people (because I am a Liberal Christian, if I’m really really honest…I am very liberal, socially, in that I believe in love and tolerance and accepting people who are born with different passions and tendancies than I am, and I don’t believe its my job to have opinions on it…but I am also very Christian, in that I say the Lord’s Prayer whenever I’m afraid, I feel darkness all around this world and want to be saved, and want others to be saved from it…I don’t want anyone to suffer, I want people to know healing and peace and a deep spiritual love…I believe in my own smallness, and was raised Presbyterian, and have no reason to believe God isn’t real…my nun Grandma lived to 93 and became a nun in her 80s and no single person ever helped me more in one instance…her words, at my moment of angry despair, changed the course of my life…and it felt spiritual and necessary…I can’t make that up, also while living in NYC during 9/11, and unable to go back to my apartment because it was below 14th street, a mile from the towers, and then continuing with school even tho I was afraid, the Presbyterian church at 12 W 12th street helped me more than any other thing…in reframing my fear and sadness for humanity… so please know, you really can feel pulled to God and be a super strong liberal…I don’t know why this is hard for some people to understand…I guess if I had a million dollars, and felt the need of the world and like I had to give it all away, I’d want to protect some of it too…maybe that’s what’s really going on? Maybe I’m a liberal because I’m poor-ish and need societal help, and maybe when people escape that life, they don’t want to turn around and give it all back via extra taxes or they’d be poor again like everyone else…prosperity gospel is something else…

Sometimes I think I should edit the crap out of these, like whoa Jess don’t share all that.

Other times I think, this is the whole point – share the complex thoughts and feelings of this time, so I can remember and understand what a year of releasing an album a month felt like.

I don’t think there are answers or solutions that fix this for all people…

All I want is to know that there’s a purpose…and even that I don’t get to know.
This is a depressing place and / or maybe I’m just depressed right now.

It’s hard to come back from a trip to see family, and go on with your life and responsibilities…especially when there were mountains involved.

All these topics.
All this feeling.
This is my mountain.
I’m trying to climb upward for once in my life, not dig downward, creating holes and pockets of despair to fall into.
I’m trying to stop digging holes…
One might start by deleting this, but I think I’ll finish out the challenge, and the year of album releases, including this blog even tho it’s crazy…
and then I’ll let myself move on from this.

Whatever this is.

Writing is strange.  Words have power.  In this case, I’m HONESTLY not sure what I’m using my power for.
Is it for good? For evil? (i.e. spinning wheels, self-destruction?)

I know that it’s like dropping things into a void…

Not knowing where that void leads to…

I suppose I could also go work on the Friend Ship album…edits and tweaks and things I want to change a little, to give you something joyful and strange to listen to.  To those who like my music.

I wish I were a little less strange, most of the time.
I wish becoming who I have become could look a little more calm…

Maybe that’s why I’m sad at the loss of 8,000 feet.
I felt calmer there.
Simpler.
I don’t know why and can’t explain it.
It’s like I knew the mountains won.
The mountains were bigger than me, in every direction.
I was tiny and insignificant, but could create a simple life – teach piano, write songs, teach songwriting, it was lovely but tiny. I was tiny and everywhere I looked I was able to realize it.  No ego problems there, can’t conquer a thing.  And I miss it, cuz here I get lost in my head, lost in this swamp of feeling…and I feel big and powerful and like everyone is listening (and they’re not).  It’s just how this place makes me feel.  Both isolated (lonely) and powerful (heard)…I think it’s all in my head.  But maybe it’s not.  Maybe people are paying attention to me here, because I’ve been on the radio here or in the press, and people actually read this shit, and maybe that’s like a drug and not a good one…

Maybe the mountains helped me realize what words are worth saying.
And which ones you should leave in the dirt.

Thank you mountains, I’ll be back soon. ❤