A poem for you* (*…for me, shared with you)

Cool kid suicide

 

I want to commit cool kid suicide
Where I seek out the places in my skin
That learned behavior
To fit inI want to commit cool kid suicide
Where I find myself underneath my self
And discover (with great relief)
that I’m not cool at all
I’m small like a pansy
Or light like a bird
And not in a cool way
I’m tugging on your sleeve
Look at me don’t you see look at me look at me
how can you not want to look at me?
I’m sinking like a ship filled with lead making holes making bombs turning everything off that was once turned on
and you are flicking the lights
cuz that’s what cool kids do
Look away
Dissipate
Don’t come true
I don’t need you
It’s not cool
to need you
You need me?
Well that sucks for you
I’m over here making noodles and macrame
or casting spells like witches do
Did this sneak up on you?
Your sudden desire to be uncool
To be unliked by the cool kid gang
To be unheard in your quest for fame
from those blogs and articles who leave out your name
again and again cuz you won’t play the game
The game is lame
The game is lame
and you are lame for playing that game
you are so lame for playing that game
for far too long
for far too much
time that was yours to spend on REAL LIFEBut you cast it aside
Like a worn out spell
For regular people
Not for yourself
You are better than that
YOU ARE BIG YOU ARE GRAND
You’re doing great things! You shout to the land
But the land couldn’t hear you
They’re too busy not caring
Not looking not sharing
Just dried flowers and dreams once a month maybe
While you tug on their sleeve
LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME

Like the petulant child
Who just needs some love
You’re so easy to shove off
and not to dream of
Cuz you spell it all out
You kill the whole game
By making things plain
By selling your name
By ruining the fun
With your words and your words
TOO BIG FOR THIS WORLD YOU’RE TOO BIG FOR THIS WORLD!

But you’re not.
You are small
And yourself
And alone
And you wanted too much,
too big a thing
to be “known”

Known by who?
Known by what?
Known by when why and where?
How could you expect the whole F-ing world to care
It’s insane
It’s insane
And it rotted your brain
All those dreams of fame
Just because you could flow
With some words or some chords
Just because you could make up a world in your soul
And your heart could be moved
Could be healed
Could be used
To help other hearts
Like the one who wrote today, from CANADA no less
They love me in CANADA you say!
So why not all of Canada, or Japan, or Europe too!

No just the one soul per country will do

I’m not through using you
You are in the middle of things
And calling it an ending
Because you want to sing
You want voices to ring
and give you a chance
But you know what you need?
You know what YOU WANT?

TO LISTEN TO THOSE SONGS MADE THRU YOU,
ON REPEAT
UNTIL YOU learn the lessons you need
UNTIL YOU respond better to the tug on your sleeve
UNTIL YOU learn to care for that petulant child
who is dying inside
wondering why you need her
to be noticed by all
You don’t care about those
cool kids anyway
I’m sure they’re fine
They have moms they have cars
They have families
Or small groups of friends
They have all that they need
Some cool kids will love you
But that WILL BE A FLUKE
Because anyone who cares will LOVE YOU FOR YOU
They don’t need to be cool to love you for you
And honestly it’d be a mess if they are
Because then they have to worry about keeping their cool kid star
I think it’s a gold star
Or some symbol of fame
In the cool kid world
That you put by your name
It says Verified
It’s blue and it’s cool
And it’s not for you
You are not that cool
You are small and lonely and sad all the time
But you LOVE those songs that are pouring like wine from the tip of your tongue through the point of your pen and you’d do it again and again and again just for one more chance to commune with divine and you think that you’re the one being left behind?
How about God?
If it’s never enough
all the pain in the world
and you’re given this stuff –
this beautiful stuff that flows thru your veins and converts your heart
again and again
and your mind and your spirit and body too
It’s not enough
IT’S NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU

So the petulant child
and the neglected God
go hand in hand through this sad vacant world
that is scary to some

Heartbreaking to others
and (almost) no one is listening

BUT they have each other.

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