Last blog post (for now…)

Hello…

So I never wrote a final “month 12” post…but I think it’s because I realized, I connect more easily to my own inner voice and joy, and to others – when vlogging (vs blogging).

Soooo here’s a bunch of month 12 videos I made instead : )

-Month 12 of 12 – so many feelings lol (check in vid)

-Month 12, day 5 – check in video that goes on forever…………..

Month 12 Day 8 – behind the scenes at Third Coast Recording (not quite a check in lol)  

-Month 12 day 18 – Check-in vid, nature, thoughts on work vs play/creativity


Month 12 day 23 – nature and gus the dog and existentialism (tunnel park) (*prob my favorite 🙂 🙂 🙂

 

-Yay! 12 albums in 12 months is done (and it’s snowing in mid April)

As for final thoughts beyond this, or if you like reading, a summary of alllllll of these videos.

#1) this challenge (12 albums in 12 months) was wayyyy harder than last year’s challenge (365 songs in 365 days).  why? because that was whimsy and fun and had no rules other than make and share a song every day (I already wrote hundreds a year, and it was fun and therapeutic for me already, so the only hard part was learning to share and be a public person, and maybe trying to get better at audio quality)… and while this year didn’t have super specific rules either, except for “release an album every month,” my own expectations for myself and my bandcamp (i.e. online music portfolio) ate me alive if i posted more than one “sloppy” album a season.  and i did, at one point.  it was just so so hard. i used to release an album every 3-5 years…so this was an unrealistic and totally unsustainable concept.  no time to dream, just output output output…made me almost manic and hyper, and angry at the workload…on the upside? i’m super proud of alllllllllll that work, even if it’s more all over the place and/or sloppy than i would have liked. it felt like catching up on my lost 20s and early 30s, where i gave away life and time to dysfunctional people, and went so slow even tho i’d previously been an “achiever.”

#2) i learned how to work. like how to REALLY work…how to pace myself, how to not hate deadlines, how to make friends with my own ambition and the love-hate relationship it requires, how to be peaceful and let it all go (only after doing it all, to be able to say I did it, which isn’t the same as truly letting go…those people are wiser than me…whatever we make here we have to lose, there is no helping someone with your words if your actions inspire the opposite truth…i.e. my lyrics may have some “wisdom” of let go and heal but they are counteracted by my demonstrated “wisdom” of hold on and try harder and fight and push and don’t give up… basically I’m a paradox or maybe not even that cool, maybe we all are split, but i feel like i was raised on hyperactive ambition, 10 piano competitions a year and all As and scholarships and fellowships and hey let’s write perform in cast direct a musical for my honors thesis let’s be ALL THE THINGS…followed by or blended with, let’s read taoism and go thru trauma and flooded repressed memories and become aware of our own awfulness, some due to the abuses we suffered, and instead of crumpling into self-hate let’s unbury and get help and become more and forgive ourselves first and then those who hurt us or the other way around, all the while letting go and go and go and go… THESE TWO APPROACHES being OPPOSITES, and unreconcilable. You can’t hold on AND let go.  Dark and light, emptiness and fullness.  Want/need and surrender.  Nothingness and fullness…I don’t know.  I learned I want both, but that makes me a pendulum, always unsatisfied, impossible to resolve…not sure which is truly me…nurture is so strong, but nature is too.  Not fighting either anymore, and if that means a violently fast moving swing between the two, well then I’m just trying to keep up.

That’s it.  Bye blog!  Come find me on YouTube for my newest challenge “52 Dreams!” where I draw slips of paper (cut into clouds) from jars…containing all my relentless obnoxiously unending to-do lists, separated into big and little “dreams” (i.e. who can have 52+ dreams? i have my “let’s make albums” and “let’s make music vids” and “let’s tour” and “lets be in a solo project” and “let’s be in a band” and “let’s make money as a piano teacher and music theory tutor and songwriting mentor” and “let’s travel and see family 2x a year” OH and I know, let’s also have 52 other “side dreams” that we shame ourselves into doing…or feel bad about not doing…it’s insane and i want to learn a whole new way of thinking about this, so I invented this challenge all about FAILING, or gracefully falling, or just “getting started” and letting things evolve or DEvolve, naturally.  Eventually.  Hopefully.  First, I need a year of looking at this.  So I can undo the weirdness of this habit…I think it’s the world.  I think the world tells us to “to-do”.  I don’t want that world.  I like flowing and ebbing and moving gracefully in my mornings, into afternoons spent teaching, into nights spent making or unwinding or doing other habits i should or shouldn’t be doing (mostly snacks)…i like flow.  i hate shame.  but i don’t want to shame myself about having shame, or feeling shame, or being shaming to myself…it is human and natural, and we’re all on a path and it’s okay.  a million okays.

goodbye for now blogging, you stress me out…I like smiling at my phone and talking, and not noticing my wonky punctuation or weird writing style 🙂

BYE!
Jessica
xoxo

p.s. but seriously find me on Instagram or YouTube – I’m on the former near-daily, and the latter near-weekly. bye!

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