Month 11 thoughts and feels (so close!)

Hello world…

I am doing well-ish, and have *mostly* gotten over sharing my traumas wildly online…I read somewhere once that that’s a therapy trick.  Having no real response, learning to tell your story as it is. Except I have been doing it with songs.  And rambles like this.

One beautiful outcome of all this, is I believe in myself again.  Posted a 5th grade casio pop video and found my 5th grade self really was confident.  Before social issues, puberty, boy problems, and being disliked or ignored or uncool.  Before I internalized the world.  Before known trauma, or an understanding of trauma.  Tough, and smiley, and liking to perform…

It’s on my instagram, I’ll share more I’m sure someday.  They are the songs I rerecorded in month 3, called Childhood.

I feel like it’s hard to talk consisely because I’m referring to things you most likely never saw or watched.  It’s strange to live such a prolific life, because no one but me knows all the content.  And I don’t like it all, but I feel called to make it.

So that’s the corner I’m turning finally.  I felt private, like I was hiding, and it felt good to share all the “hundreds of songs a year” that I write.  And have written long before the 365 days.  BUT from a practicality standpoint, I’m eager to just move forward like a regular musician – albeit having more to choose from – I still want to put my best foot forward, like I did in ’10 and ’14…making a “real” album as they say.  Tho I believe in the Velveteen Rabbit and Pinocchio, and broken or wooden things are real to me too.  So I like these wild years, because they have taught me who I am…and I’ve been told they’ve been useful to others, who didn’t know how to move forward…getting trapped in trauma loops is a very real thing.

Last month’s album is probably my favorite one from a songwriting perspective, if you’re going to listen to 1 of the 12.  This month was going to be the “last” “Friend Ship” but I doubt it will be…I might release ‘December, 2015’ instead.  Had it all done but chose to release new songs, in December.  Felt so right to let myself off the hook like that, and honor the present, back then.  And now, it doesn’t feel right to hold these songs much longer…I don’t need to edit them a million times, it can be lo-fi.  Tho there’s two I’ll be rerecording for an EP someday, I hope.

And the Friend Ship is landing slowly…because I’m having Bryan mix and edit it, and it’s only 4 songs, but in a way, these don’t feel like they *really* count, because I meant to release em all back in May before the hard drive crash.

But releasing em in 3 small parts has made it so I can honor each moment…so many people I’ve loved or admired, some up close, some from afar, doing these songs with me.  It’s pretty cool to have them captured in time here…some became closer friends after this, some were like ships passing in the night, some grew apart, all in love or with the best intentions…

Wow.  I don’t sound normal when I talk.  I have finally come to accept that being weird isn’t about whether or not I feel weird.  It’s about whether or not this is weird from a societal perspective, i.e. compared to others.  So yes, I get it.  I’m weird. Or this is weird.  Releasing so much, sharing so wildly, with abandon, saying anything…referencing a thousand projects in mixed up order so no one can follow.  Like I really know what I’m talking about but I get that this is jumbly nonsense in a way.  Probably why I stopped blogging.  In my own personal journal this is useful, but for someone to come across and read, kinda pointless.  And one person once, after meeting me, read a current blog post instead of my “about” section, and then preached at me for 5 minutes on how to be x y or z and I wanted to be like, dude that’s just how I was feeling that day.  But thanks for the unsolicited advice haha…

It’s okay.  It’s all okay.  I’m happy, as happy perhaps as a transient human can be. My life is simple, I teach piano and songwriting, it’s nice, my families and students appreciate me, I’m tough without being mean, which took a long time to learn how to be…getting back to the gym is helping me learn that balance (how to have standards and goals without using shame to get there).

Sooooo I would like to list all my dreams and plans here but honestly that’s what got me into this mess.  Stating things like “I will record and share 365 songs!” or “I will release 12 lofi albums” (well I never said lo-fi but DUH it’s that…also I originally said EPs were okay, but ended up with mostly albums :/)

I have a new challenge in mind for next year – barring impeachment – again, this is keeping me sane and focused on light and positive change (rather than fighting darkness – but you can’t “fight” darkness, unless you yourself feel light …this process has made me feel so much light that I’m practically floating off this planet, because I never knew you could change this much, in a lifetime…but listening for guidance, following dreams, it’s like a north star, you can feel it in your bones, one tiny wish at a time, except you make the wish AND you’re the one making the wish come true).

All in all, be yourselves people.  It’s okay, the world won’t end. You’ll get looked at like you’re weird, but if you ARE weird, then that means you’ll get looked at like you’re YOU.  And then over time, people will accept it (accept you) and shut up about it.  And then it’s win-win cuz they learn how to not be judgy and annoying, and YOU get to be yourself.

Well…that’s all for today.  I have so many more things I want to share, but I’ve shared a lot, so overall this whole process brought me great peace.  To know that I’m more known than ever before, which is like some sort of spiritual realignment…like this was my chiropractor and my spirit was my spine and I feel popped back in place somehow.  Mostly thru 500+ moments of self and others forgiveness…I really think that’s the secret to growing.  You have to forgive the wind that knocked you down, if you want to get up again, knowing that there’s wind (and it could happen again).  Otherwise, it’s just logic, of COURSE you’d stay down.  But – i think – it hurts less when you’re expecting it.  Like I expect people to ignore me now, to turn on me, to swear they love me and are helped by me, and then go back to ignoring me, I even expect mean words cuz trolls abound.  It’s just real life.  It sucks and I understand why so many people don’t want to play a role they used to want to play.  It’s dark and people are cruel and wearing your heart on your sleeve is painful even in neutral.  Why not just block your feelings?  My only agrument then to that approach is that time will pass, you will feel less, and later – much later perhaps – you *might* say “wait, what happened” and you’ll feel like you’re waking from a dream (like I felt) – like 20 years went by like nothing, and you weren’t really doing what you felt called to do, in your heart or mind or soul.  And then it’s NOT too late (no matter what anyone tells you) it’s just harder.  It’s hard to be my age and “competing” with my musical peers who are younger and have more “potential.”  It’s hard to be older from a lot of other perspectives too, physical health, etc.  It’s hard psychologically, to feel weird for being older while “chasing” and “young person dream” (aka being yourself, following the same dream you had since you were 3, which is an active calling and never went away).  So whatever those dreams are for you, if there is one, keep listening, keep fighting for yourself…because I swear this is all connected to that death bed feeling people talk about, of “did I try?” “was I myself?” “did I care enough?” “did I fulfill my ‘potential’?”  It’s not possible to do perfectly, or sometimes even well, but did you care or did you try seems to be a common theme.  And I have years if not over a decade of not trying, or hiding in another path, because fear.

It’s okay, it just is.  Trauma does that to people.  But here I am, telling you, despite all awkwardness and pain, it is worth it to unbury.  To find who you are and follow it again, like a child.

xoxo to the world-
Jessica

p.s. I also think it’s 100% okay to just live for the moment and be present – not everyone has such an obvious path or calling, some people’s callings are to help or be helpful,  and the content on which you help is less important than listening to the calling to be helpful (for love, for joy, for connection, for community).  Bye for now 🙂

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