Didilly doo + thanksgiving feelings

Hello blogland…

I don’t know, haven’t been feeling the need to do this.  Probably because I haven’t been working on albums lol…

Should have written after I worked my butt off on a kids album for a week, only to discover it was a MUCH bigger project than this lo-fi monthly album process can accomodate.  Was sad for over a week about that… never really talked about it with anyone except my sister.  THEN a few days ago, the computer I made the album on CRASHED.  I have the album, somewhere in there, backed up…but it’ll take weeks to recover (first repair computer, then restore album via Carbonite…)

Soooooo that’s not my December release I guess.  I’d hoped for it…even made a cute Bandcamp page…but it’s not meant to be …yet (?)

Moving on, been in cloudlight land mostly, lately…show at the Park Thtr, now with Mutual Benefit coming up. Lots of practice. Playing with our friend Travis a lot lately, on drums, that’s nice…letting go a little, holding that rope (tempo) gets exhausting, it’s nice to be a little more auxiliary…

Today I peeled ALL the stickers (70 total?) off my car, to get it ready to sell.  Woo.  Whew. All the woos and whews…

I’m exhausted. Strange time to blog.  Just seemed stranger to have such an old blog…
Came here looking to copy/paste a press quote for a package I’m sending to WYCE for Jammie consideration…

It’ll be strange to let go of a package lovingly made of 8 albums, all lo-fi, all made this year, for consideration for awards when I know they are so so so so lofi low-quality compared to studio recordings that people invest money in (not just time).  (I invest LOTS of time…and heart, love…you name it, if it’s feelings, they’re in there)…

Who knows. Blogging is weird and pointless mostly.  Me talking. I like journalling better. Here it feels strange like, why am I sharing this?  I guess I wonder if someone somewhere would be helped by me being more transparent.  I don’t know if it’s true.  Good experiment tho.  I think we’d ALL be helped by ALL of us being more transparent…nothing specific about me, just transparency in general.

We talk in generalities, when we are helped so much by details and specifics…

I love you world.  But honestly I love God more…and the clouds and treetops and things that make me feel like I can float away and be elsewhere…not because a specific place is better or would be better…just because I sense non-being would be better…well that’s a contradiction…it wouldn’t be anything!  I just think all we strive to be is be-loney…baloney? be-lonely? it’s ridiculous…unless you can find a way to make it fun, build community, find friends, focus on true friends, let go of things that are serving lower purposes, accept you can’t help everyone, keep your head down, do the work, focus on what you can do, all that good stuff…

I hope to help, where I can…but also I’m exhausted. It’s all so much, and I love life and doing things, which is why no matter how exhausted I get excited about the next thing…

New car, tour I’m planning, shows with friends, wacky wild giving myself a chance to be and breathe and have a fun life…middle school and high school weren’t fun for me, felt left out and alone most the time…or like I had one friend at a time, didn’t relate to most people, had problems with the few people I did relate to, or we moved apart, etc…school got bigger, there were drug problems in our school, boy problems, things people did to be cool that were highly dysfunctional, all the trying to fit in…LOST MYSELF.  You didn’t want to stand out at that age, standing out meant having no pack and being alone.  I lived alone, because as much as I tried to fit in I never really could.  4’11” and talkative and bright nerdy teachers pet and music/theatre person…so many places I didn’t fit and wanted to . So. desperately.

Thank you to the one-on-one friends who were there.  I remember you so fondly.  Unless you’re one of the ones that turned on me with meanspirited teasing… I still can’t handle teasing to this day, because of some of the cruelty from those years.

I wish it wasn’t something kids do, kids go thru, so many kids, not just me…that is good to know and remember.  We all have crappy middle school or high school stories. Or college maybe?  It’s all a mess.

Try if you can (to myself, and maybe you) not to get lost in it.

It’s universal stuff.  Everyone hurts.  All hurt has origins.  It’s okay, you’re not alone or unique in pain.  We all have it.  That’s both frightening and DEEPLY comforting, if you let it be.

Hugs xoxo

 

 

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