Didilly doo + thanksgiving feelings

Hello blogland…

I don’t know, haven’t been feeling the need to do this.  Probably because I haven’t been working on albums lol…

Should have written after I worked my butt off on a kids album for a week, only to discover it was a MUCH bigger project than this lo-fi monthly album process can accomodate.  Was sad for over a week about that… never really talked about it with anyone except my sister.  THEN a few days ago, the computer I made the album on CRASHED.  I have the album, somewhere in there, backed up…but it’ll take weeks to recover (first repair computer, then restore album via Carbonite…)

Soooooo that’s not my December release I guess.  I’d hoped for it…even made a cute Bandcamp page…but it’s not meant to be …yet (?)

Moving on, been in cloudlight land mostly, lately…show at the Park Thtr, now with Mutual Benefit coming up. Lots of practice. Playing with our friend Travis a lot lately, on drums, that’s nice…letting go a little, holding that rope (tempo) gets exhausting, it’s nice to be a little more auxiliary…

Today I peeled ALL the stickers (70 total?) off my car, to get it ready to sell.  Woo.  Whew. All the woos and whews…

I’m exhausted. Strange time to blog.  Just seemed stranger to have such an old blog…
Came here looking to copy/paste a press quote for a package I’m sending to WYCE for Jammie consideration…

It’ll be strange to let go of a package lovingly made of 8 albums, all lo-fi, all made this year, for consideration for awards when I know they are so so so so lofi low-quality compared to studio recordings that people invest money in (not just time).  (I invest LOTS of time…and heart, love…you name it, if it’s feelings, they’re in there)…

Who knows. Blogging is weird and pointless mostly.  Me talking. I like journalling better. Here it feels strange like, why am I sharing this?  I guess I wonder if someone somewhere would be helped by me being more transparent.  I don’t know if it’s true.  Good experiment tho.  I think we’d ALL be helped by ALL of us being more transparent…nothing specific about me, just transparency in general.

We talk in generalities, when we are helped so much by details and specifics…

I love you world.  But honestly I love God more…and the clouds and treetops and things that make me feel like I can float away and be elsewhere…not because a specific place is better or would be better…just because I sense non-being would be better…well that’s a contradiction…it wouldn’t be anything!  I just think all we strive to be is be-loney…baloney? be-lonely? it’s ridiculous…unless you can find a way to make it fun, build community, find friends, focus on true friends, let go of things that are serving lower purposes, accept you can’t help everyone, keep your head down, do the work, focus on what you can do, all that good stuff…

I hope to help, where I can…but also I’m exhausted. It’s all so much, and I love life and doing things, which is why no matter how exhausted I get excited about the next thing…

New car, tour I’m planning, shows with friends, wacky wild giving myself a chance to be and breathe and have a fun life…middle school and high school weren’t fun for me, felt left out and alone most the time…or like I had one friend at a time, didn’t relate to most people, had problems with the few people I did relate to, or we moved apart, etc…school got bigger, there were drug problems in our school, boy problems, things people did to be cool that were highly dysfunctional, all the trying to fit in…LOST MYSELF.  You didn’t want to stand out at that age, standing out meant having no pack and being alone.  I lived alone, because as much as I tried to fit in I never really could.  4’11” and talkative and bright nerdy teachers pet and music/theatre person…so many places I didn’t fit and wanted to . So. desperately.

Thank you to the one-on-one friends who were there.  I remember you so fondly.  Unless you’re one of the ones that turned on me with meanspirited teasing… I still can’t handle teasing to this day, because of some of the cruelty from those years.

I wish it wasn’t something kids do, kids go thru, so many kids, not just me…that is good to know and remember.  We all have crappy middle school or high school stories. Or college maybe?  It’s all a mess.

Try if you can (to myself, and maybe you) not to get lost in it.

It’s universal stuff.  Everyone hurts.  All hurt has origins.  It’s okay, you’re not alone or unique in pain.  We all have it.  That’s both frightening and DEEPLY comforting, if you let it be.

Hugs xoxo

 

 

Wasted

No I’m not wasted right now lol (though I did just pour a glass of wine, but I rarely drink more than a drink or two, and only occasionally or in phases…sometimes, lots of times, it doesn’t agree with me or I don’t see the point).

This blog post is called Wasted because I feel like I’m becoming an expert on the strange ramifications of a “wasted life” that you later try to recover…either through therapy, or creativity, or through a strange back cataloguing like I’ve been doing lately… (Childhood album, Survival Skills (H.S. thru early 20s), and More Survival Skills (early to mid 20s) – basically spent my whole summer going to the past, and it left a gaping hole in my now-timeline, that is bothering me, and now I have to fill by using THIS now to fill THAT past in, with content appropriate to those moods and feelings…which is a waste of THIS now, and later I’ll have to fill in this now once it’s past, with catching up on things, anyone who makes to-do lists knows what i’m talking about…)

The time for dreaming is NOW.
But the time for DOING is also NOW.

You can’t do or be both.

If now feels like dream time, or reflect time, or be time…then just be and dream and reflect.

If it feels like DO time, then do it, by all means.

But this idea that we can catch up on a life – via lists, exhausting all the loose ends…I’m losing it, I’m getting over it.

I was ABOUT to announce next year’s challenge.

But maybe I won’t do it.

Or I will but what things will I sacrifice that 2019 would have held, that would have happened organically?

I miss organic.

The challenge was going to be called (or will be called) “52 Unfinished Things”

And it was a chance to have a weekly challenge for once.

Mostly musical balls I dropped, projects left unfinished, so many things…

But I’m thinking, now, if a ball got dropped, was it maybe because I didn’t want to play with it? (catch metaphor, coming to mind?)

I don’t know…

If I do the challenge, and we’ll see, I’d like to invite you to do it with me.

You can pick your own lucky number…whatever you choose. And it can be personal, or career…but a week is a good amount of time….

A Monday to a Sunday.  OR A Tuesday to a Monday…that way weekends can just be enjoyed!

I think I would finish musicals, or release a kids album, or write that xmas album, or do that favor a friend asked for in 2008 (score a song they wanted to sing in auditions), or some other thing…I mean, not all the things.  Maybe go to the gym…or maybe a peace week, or a nature week…

Maybe it’d just be called “52 Things”

I dunno.
This just stresses me out.

But follow-through has been hard for me…
And I’d like to book tours, library shows, send out resumes, and do more in general…but every thing like that is always full of boring busywork…so I often would just choose more and more writing…or relaxing (in addition to work).(and now releasing albums too)

I was good at school when things were assigned.

I might even take suggestions.

Finish those music videos, make that art (sayings and doodles to hang on your wall), sew stuffed animals for my kids videos, so many things I want to do, that get buried or pushed aside on a list of 20+ things…

Is this you?

Organize closets, basement clean out, buy cute baskets, make a sticker collection, paint a room…I know so many people full of ideas…write a book, a play, a poetry collection, but they get lost in the long list of things that must be done in order to accomplish a larger goal.  Maybe if we do it together, it could be fun…

I don’t know.

4 more lo-fi albums.  9,10,11,12 …then a release party.

Tonight I’m moving albums 4 and 5 (or 3 and 4, depending how you count) over to jessicafogle.bandcamp.com

Because the tone is Chicago, they don’t fit my JiTR vibe at all…I don’t want to play the songs live, except maybe 2 of em, but I just wanted to preserve them, and honor my past.  I did that now…ready to let go.  Move on…

Starting to, move in that direction anyway. ❤

So my nows can be nows, so that work can be honestly assessed and not piled up in my head.

Even head-piles are like saying yes when you mean maybe or no.

LATER is a cruel thing to say to yourself.  What is later?  If you’re not passionate enough about something to do it NOW (or very close to now, as soon as time realistically frees up), then maybe you aren’t “meant to” (wanting to) do it at all.  Why lie about that?  Why not JUST SAY NO!

Working on this and so many things.  Tired of wasting a life…well, tired of living out the remnants of a wasted life (prior to 2014), and thinking that I have to devote 2017 and beyond to honoring those dreams…

I want to have new dreams.  I am so close.  Getting these old dreams out of my system so I can see who I really am NOW.

Friend Ship is pretty now, so is Childhood (strangely! songs from 1st-7th grade :)… maybe the mistake was when I thought I had to do ALL past stuff just cuz I wanted to do 1st-7th grade past stuff!  I mean, my motivation for that was that I love those songs and I feel whimsy and wanted to let go of Trauma Jess…and relearn my younger self…and instead I finished it and then said “welp, now I have to be a historian and preserve EVERYTHING” which is CRAZY cuz I write too many songs.  The ones I released don’t even come close…pretty close but not close enough.

Gonna still put the Chicago albums 3-12 up there…and maybe over the years, if I’m bored, I’ll relearn those and rerecord those 10 albums …for fun, ya know.

Did I not just learn anything?

I guess it’s progress that I said maybe?

Whatever.  Life is weird.  I’m having fun, in a weird “this isn’t really all that fun” sort of way.

Love you world, hugs to you – hope you voted today.  And if you wanna hear my newest album, I really like it, it feels very now.  In that, my heart is in it, now.  Super intensely.  And it represents where I’m going, too.

Maybe that’s what feeling current really means.

Maybe “current” has that double meaning…it’s not just where you are, but also where you’re going.

So when you spend time on a time capsule, etched in stone, it’s like engraving a rock that now you will walk away from (or float down stream from in the current) and then it’s like, hmm what’s the point?  If you didn’t mean to continue rock carving as a profession, or you aren’t saying things in stone that you now feel, why etch them? What is there to preserve, when it will all wash away?

The things that will stay with me are ephemeral, fleeting, transient, and PERMANENT all at once.  Like this lesson about time, and the now.

I wanted to release two other albums, that got pushed aside for these ones…Time & The Sky (aka Day 104 of 365), and Tiny Traumas, adding up (or ‘out of body, in your skin’) …

Those mean more to me.
Not because the songs are better, but because they are unhealed wounds, words I’m still journeying with…not to etch in stone for others, but to keep rereading myself, to float with, to absorb, those songs (from 2014-2018) are far more appealing to me, and that was MISSED.  I wasted that would-be now, to share a long-past…and I can’t get it back…

Unless?

Maybe those songs are still calling.
I honestly don’t know.
I have so many albums and songs from 2014-2018…I can’t keep up.  Way more than 4 more.  I don’t know what to focus on.

Follow my heart and my own need, I guess.

Hope you all can too. ❤