Dreamy Day <3 <3 <3

Hey world. Or hi you. Whoever reads these, I don’t know.

Went to a party at my friend Luna’s house last night and saw so many people I love, good times with Bryan and all the friends…I can’t remember the last time I was social with no objective like playing or listening to music…maybe when my family was here in early July?

I think it’s good for me. I forget to ever feel dreamy with others.
I think normally I feel dreamy alone and like life has objectives with others.
It’s good…feeling this.

This morning Bryan’s drum kit came in the mail from Farmers Foot Drums (well he ordered some pieces used, and bought 2 key pieces from them brand new)…it was Christmas morning here. Normally I’m rigid about waking up time and journaling (ironically, rigid about my time to relax and waking-dream)…

but instead I went to the basement with him and we had a mini jam sesh, I’m a decent chill-punk drummer (no not punk, indie rock? mellow indie pop?) – I just make shit up but it’s fun.  Bryan is a real drummer, it’s fun watching him relearn what he knew in HS.

It makes me think of art and all the things I’m not a “real” whatever…

Ryan, my dear friend, convinced me I’m a real artist too, it’s not about training.
It’s about what you love doing.
Maybe I’m a real drummer too… I find it relaxing

We had twinkle lights on and sat in the couches and floor futons usually for our guests…I rarely enjoy that space.  It’s so magical for house shows but I rarely just let myself enjoy that vibe alone.  It was a good experience this morning…

As for music…this whole busy month culminated in subbing for a college class on Songwriting.

I’m still a bit speechless about this experience.

Dan Rickabus asked me, and that alone is a speechless experience, he’s such a dream human.

And Fiona Dickinson recommended me when she couldn’t make it, and that friendship has been life-altering already, without the recommendation to sub for him…

I’m leaving out details but basically feeling too dreamy rn to write this like a story.

Just sayin, from my 2nd floor fairy room the outside looks like magic, perfect clouds, dreamy air, friends in my brain, projected in the sky…all of you, helping me and sharing with me, not just the collaborators like Jes Kramer and Micah Middaugh and Nathan K and Bryan Ralph and Maddie Jackson and Hunter Zhao and Gabrielle Schaub / Van Lente and Fiona and everyone…it’s just such a feeling.  It’s so hard to describe.  The treetops here are full of you.  I look out the window here, and see my neighbors roof and puffy white clouds on a clear blue sky and treetops..still green in this direction (tho my dreaminess started looking out the 1st floor front window at a vibrant orange tree, a pale shade but super bright somehow and dreamy…cried a little thinking about how much I’ve come to LOVE trees without leaves…it’s a line in a song now, it’s my dream, I love trees without leaves, which is like a return to something, and it makes me feel not sad about fall at all, like all this color is heading TO something, not the loss of something, or the moving away from something like summer…I know most people just see death or dying like an end, death of leaves, death of summer, i see going TO the trees without leaves, it is a look, a vulnerability, a sense of beauty and simplicity/complexity so profound that i don’t like these words I’m giving it…it’s something for me…something big and meaningful…I hate being cold, but heat is nice and bundling is nice and when the cold weather stabilizes I can adjust to it…winter storms suck but every region has its problems and things to bow down to…)

Anyway might do two albums this month because this whole challenge has limits and problems….in May I did a “not real to me” feeling album.  A sketch.  In July I did albums from pre-2014 when I said I wouldn’t.  I mean except Childhood in June.  I guess I did a lot of pre-2014…which doesn’t feel Jessica in The Rainbow to me (cuz I made that up for a 2014 release, and music before then has a different tone and feel to me, I don’t know why but writing songs in Michigan is different for me than Wisconsin or Chicago or NYC)

So I had planned to release one in July called “Tiny Traumas, adding up (or ‘out of body, in your skin’)” to honor this returning to my skin that I’ve done the past few years…but it felt thin to share that, without including my not-so-tiny traumas with you.  When I was really broken and never reassembled correctly…from middle school on, I kept waking up to things, realizations about who I was, who I was pretending to be, who I kept hidden, including pain and trauma.

So here, I shared a lot more than ever before, which is great for me…but also, it’s a lot to catch up on a life.  I can’t.  It’s not possible.  So this is just gonna look messy. Non-linear.
I want to release the kids’ music I’ve been brainstorming since early 2016 but it’ll take focus. I thought I had to be done with all this trauma music and sad songs and adult ‘career’ i.e. scene life with almost no money and not a real business, i never knew how or wanted it bad enough, sent to labels occasionally but mostly just focused on writing and sharing…or for a decade, not sharing…just becoming an indie singer-songwriter in my own private mind (mostly, some shows, spread out, 2006-2016 but having a hard time sustaining this vision of myself thru even the tiniest of disappointments)…

But I can see working a little harder with kids music.  Maybe it makes more sense to me.  Maybe I can envision having things to sell to moms.  Maybe promotion will be easier cuz I know you’re literally looking for things to entertain and educate your kids.  Maybe I don’t know enough authentically resonating mister rogers types in the world… we’ll see.  I love playing music for kids, but on my terms.  Not thru organizations that tell me to be a clown.  I have a past in this and its gross to me…smiling extra, being unnaturally hammy instead of just being a slightly more hyper version of myself, mixed with bringing it WAY down…kids vibrate in such weird ways, highs and lows, extreme play mixed with quiet intense focus on legos or something…I like reading crowds and changing for them…mellow is boring to some kids, but I think it’s good for them.  I dunno… I have a whole world invented, and characters, it’s just when I’ll have the time and focus to really prioritize this.  Maybe I never will… so that’s why I might just half-ass the Tiny Traumas album, make it super DIY original versions with almost no polish or editing, and then also release a little preview teaser of the kids album, just to announce it to the world in some way.  By world I mean my 20 or 100 or maybe 200 people who are curious about what i’m doing.  No commercial appeal really, just Facebook friends.  But I’d like to reach strangers someday, I just don’t know how yet. Learning…

Clouds.  Treetops.  Cozy teddy bear and dog sweatshirt.  Coffee with almond milk creamer in a big rainbow unicorn mug.  About to go to the Y.  Good day for a bike ride, playing some cloudlight tunes tonight at Bry’s boss’ gig at the Armory.  Kinda a throw together thing…just because.  Leaving for Colorado in a week to visit my sis, hope I can handle the altitude…tried getting more in shape but I’m just not the best worker-outer…talked with my parents for 2 hrs (almost) yesterday…they live in Minnesota, near my brother’s family, it’s a dreamy area too.  Gotta head out there soon, I try to see them all twice a year, but that’s why I’ve gotten more money-motivated.  Need money not just starving artist / piano teacher salary, if I want to visit family so much.  Never thought I’d be this spread out without being somewhere more intentional like NYC or LA.  Michigan feels random to me, and it is.  Moved here for an ex and just stayed…I’m still surprised about that.  It frustrates me every time I love it because it feels so random and bizarre to have ended up here…like the years pass by and I’m still here and I don’t know why, except love of a man I met here a year after that separation, and he needed things here, to grow into who he needs to be, and I had nothing else going on, no reason to go anywhere else (options but nothing felt perfect, except the Pacific Northwest but it felt so random too, in early 2016 it was all I thought about…) and by then I loved him too much anyway to go anywhere without him coming with me, and then that’d be random for him…

So this all just evolved.  Ladyfest, house shows, playing more shows here, caring about all of you.  Most of my friends are in Michigan now.  Most of the music I love is happening here, or is willing to tour here.  Or is near here, in Chicago.  Rent is cheap, nature is plentiful, there is a scene…it’s interesting, small, and weird.  I like it.  Sometimes when I leave, I drive back randomly north up along lake michigan (I’m from Wisconsin) and think, this is so random or “I hate it here.”  Cuz I really do in some ways.  There’s a spiritual intensity here that isn’t in other places, especially Chicago or NYC or London…or Appleton really…it was academic.  I loved that.  Racine was just a place, devoid of a specific one feeling, I liked that too.  Minnesota too…it’s spacious like a prairie.  I don’t know, this area feels dense like a forest and full of magic and full of God and I don’t know what.  I feel like I’m protecting something.  I feel like I’m convincing all of you to stay on the path of light.  I feel like there is a propensity for darkness here and light takes effort and intention.  I don’t like that.  I don’t like how easily some people here skew to the dark.  I’ve talked about this with non-native friends, how many people we know or knew need anti-depressants here…something feels extra heavy.  The politics, the spiritual or religious shaming, the warring beliefs, it’s intense like the densest of forests and even people on the same sides don’t agree on things…

I wish I could wave my arms and make it all stop and say NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW and look around you and here here here here here…be here. See the birds and trees and light and color, you are in paradise, you are fighting over future things while living in paradise…but I know I’m wrong, people want us to zone out so they can power grab and money grab and create systems that are toxic and self-serving like more money and cushy jobs while people in Flint literally DIE YOUNG from poisoned water…they may not have died young yet, but someone who has had her life ruined in ways by trauma, I know what it feels like to have physical ailments that shorten your quality of life…I haven’t died yet or anything, duh, but I think about all these injuries in my body, all the ways I was checked out and pushed thru pain and jobs I shouldn’t have, and…

Blogging is weird.  I want to apply the philosophy I use when writing is private, which is say anything let it flow.  But this IS public…so sometimes I feel a tangent spinning and think, hmmmm….

Giant aloe plant to my left…like 18 aloe plants in one, need to repot these babies.
Spider plants too, EVERYWHERE.  So many babies…

I’m realizing how strange it is to have friends.
I think I’ve moved so much, or my friends have moved, how hard it is to feel close to anyone when you’re not being real.  When you’re being a construct.  Most my life I’ve been a construct.  Maybe since 6th grade traumas?  I won’t tell you those because my life feels almost painfully non-private sometimes, of my own choosing, and some of these middle school ones are sacred wounds to me…they are the source of it all, and why I took a strange path, and prior to middle school, I look at elementary school me, and I make sense.  My code lines up with my personality which lines up with my actions which lined up with my thoughts…I remember the feeling of elementary school me and things felt direct.  Severe trauma, sexual or otherwise, breaks the connection I think.  Makes people float outside their own lives, observing it, wondering about it, examining and “trying” to be something

Some people try to be something for money or for a business.

I LITERALLY CANNOT RELATE TO YOU.

I’m worried a bit that I’ll never find financial success of any kind because I just can’t – or refuse to – structure a life.  My life.  This one lifetime.  The only time I’m this age, releasing albums in this way, being this version of me, in this place, doing these shows, being friends with these people, feeling these things, dreaming these dreams…it’s all so…

Anyone can see their life this way.  It feels dreamy to see your life like this moment is beautiful…even in its pain and things not going your way.  It’s the only time you’ll be this age, at this moment, it’s the youngest you’ll ever be again, it’s now.  It’s something profound to me.

I wish I could just transfer this feeling into your heads instead of all these words I give to you.  Because my words probably stir up thoughts that aren’t useful to what I hope to share in the world…

Maybe I need to finally write that piano-only album…

Or improvise it

Once upon a time that was my intention too.  But it’s…it’s all so much.
A life like this…do you know I want to put all three musicals I wrote online somehow (2 are collaborative, one with an MIA collaborator, the other is, well hey Danny, lemme know if we should update that music someday…)

I literally can’t keep up with what flows through me.  The more I try to keep up, the more ideas and hopes and dreams the universe seems to give me…plus the more people know me, and ask me to be part of things.  It’s impossible, it’s too much, but it’s a dreamy kind of too much, and I’m learning to say no, for the first time in my life, I can feel it in my bones that NO is a superpower, learning to measure and consider and weigh options and choose based on how strong a pull something has…versus if it feels nice or neutral or friendly, but would take up all my time, I walk away from that now.  But if it feels intense like the best dream, like HEY I wanna be professor someday…you mean I get to try it NOW? and then putting every molecule into thinking about that for a week, while getting to try it (thank you again Dan!!!) I mean wow.  How did I never learn this…to measure things against that excitement and relevance…and leaving free space in my life like pockets, watching for that resonance and connection…

Here.  Right here.  Bryan just came in, to be in my presence but also cuz we have YMCA plans that I’m delaying by being so chatty here.  He is a gentle strangely patient soul for how intense and deep he is.  He runs very deep and has very strong opinions, but he leaves the surface of himself calm like still waters…it’s different, it’s something I’ve never known.  It’s the opposite of things I’ve known…the deeper someone runs in my experience was often the more tumultous they were.  Maybe it’s just cuz he tries to keep his deeper waters to himself (haha and we are so different, I keep sharing mine more and more with ‘the world’ and it helps me…I think this wouldn’t help some people, it brings more energy into the mix).

I hope everyone finds people they resonate with.  Friends, family, lovers, boyfriends, partners, whatever you resonate with, I hope you seek it…my sister was my best friend for 10 years and I learned to hear her direct frank opinions before I could ‘handle’ Bryan (he’s very direct about things, that used to rock my boat so much…like in Chicago I couldn’t hear any negative feedback on anything, was way too fraglie, probably why I didn’t release most things, and hid out inside a dysfunctional relationship…I mean all relationships have dysfunction, but that one was particularly toxic for me…nothing is without its benefits though, and maybe I needed to hide then…)

Back to clouds.  Grayer now.  Tree tops.  White car.  When I was a kid I would be bored in my day-dreaminess sometimes and I made up a game…white car meant yes, red car meant maybe, black car meant no…what did green car mean?  I never wondered that, or blue?  Maybe like closer to black or white like kind of?  I don’t remember.  Anyway I would ask the universe questions and pretend the cars answered them.  Sometimes with decks of cards too (red yes, black no).  And I knew it was imaginary and / or super unlikely that the universe could correlate / co-create my questions based on what car or card would come by, but despite the imaginary quality it always led to interesting ‘answers’ which provoked more and better questions…I loved it.  It was super random and filled time and made me feel dreamy, like the universe could talk.

I later came to feel like I could hear God himself, but that’s another story for another day.  One that is unfinished, and the narrative keeps changing.  Even if it’s all imagination, it feels like a charmed life.  And it certainly keeps the songs and words flowing…

Love to you, peace on this day, find things that soothe your soul, be a maker like me.  Make your home, make your schedule, make your time, make up your mind, anything…don’t just consume.  Express.  I don’t know if sharing broadly has any value, but I did this privately for 10+ years before sharing like this here, and it had a personal value to me, becoming such good friends with myself.  Hope you find this too.  xoxo Jessica

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s