Hello. Just wanted to share some thoughts for our times…
Oh my God I can’t believe I don’t talk about this more. I posted something on my personal Facebook page yesterday, I’ll share here…
It’s an aspect of myself that I’m deeply uncomfortable with. How to grow into being a person who gets shit done, has goals, has focus, has purpose, shares love or music or content with others, BUT still care about the daily important shit in the world around me…and even speaks up about it…it’s hard. I’m not good at it. I feel like I swing wildly between sharing my views publicly so as not to be complicit in these awful liberty-limiting times, and swinging to being unable to speak on the matter.
It doesn’t help that almost all of my professional heroes are near-mute on the subject, from a social media standpoint. And then SOME heroes speak almost daily on the topic. And I find myself in limbo, wondering who to be. It feels like a terrifyingly huge pandora’s box…like once I went to a political meeting, late 2016, to try to get involved, and I can’t even begin to tell you the overwhelm. For myself and all of them. I cried the whole meeting. Everyone was fighting. Fighting the ghosts in the room (the opposing party) and fighting each other, over the best ways to fight. I don’t do fighting, not without tons of crying anyway. So I was the one crying, and on my turn to share I mentioned these sensitivities…defended the whole lot of us sensitives, explaining that THIS is why we don’t get involved. The strong emotions are overwhelming, and we melt…is that a useful perspective in a room full of righteously angry people? Probably. I was even told so, that it gave them perspective on their own hatred, that it was useful, to keep their righteous anger from turning into rage or hatred of the opposing side. But it was so overwhelming for all of us, having someone like me there…I didn’t go back. Found safe behind-a-screen ways to share my views. And not often, cause those closest to me saw what it was doing to me, trying to “help” the younger more confused ones grapple with what November 2016 meant, about our country, about our politics, about their freedoms (specifically the LGBTQ kids I knew). I became more vocal than I ever have, because of he-who-I-rarely-name’s talk on grabbing things and what he thinks of pageant contestants and if they are perfect enough, he made me sick all the way down to my toes – I have known men like him and prefer carrying a little extra weight to avoid even a glance from men like him. That is crazy, I know, it’s my body, but I’m not exaggerating when I say I’ve had friends raped left and right lately, and it’s a disgusting world of predatory men not being able to control themselves or their impulses (yes sorry, it’s 99% of the time, men – I love you men, but yes your gender is the primary problem on this topic), and I’ve had enough sexual trauma for one lifetime. So being a little fatter is like a buffer to the world of this kind of gross. I don’t like it, but it’s hard to motivate yourself to lose weight when you know you’ll be back in the running for being a target of sexual predators…
I digress. Or not really. Sexual predators and politics go together these days, thanks America. I know there is a huge percentage of the Christian population who supports Trump (there I said it). I know there are some old school values that he is pretending to care about, or actually does. But I think it’s all very misguided and I am a super spiritual even Christian being (though that word has connotations that I don’t always like – I don’t think Christ would like many of his Christians – anyone who holds onto a luxury lifestyle and walls off their heart to others, is questionable in their “following of Christ” – and before examining if gays are sinning they should, in my opinion, ask if their love of money and savings and trust funds and other “securities” is sinning…give us THIS DAY our daily bread and all that…leave your riches and follow me, etc… but I am not here to point fingers, see this is why I don’t talk politics, I want comforts too, I want out of the rat race and the game of being hungry and working three jobs and other challenges so many in this world face…of course we all want a way out of that, we want our luxuries, simple or complex… but these times are raising all these questions, and everyone is fighting and hating each other, and saying they are doing it in their name of their values, and if only others would get on board with THEIR values…I heard as much Obama and Hillary hate from people on the other side of things, as I do on “my” side…and again, my side is personal and based firmly in disgust and strong instincts that he-who-I-hate-naming is not a healthy or stable human being…)
Oh yea, the thing I wrote yesterday, on my personal Facebook page. Here it is:
For the record, again and again, though I don’t have the heart to say it every day here like some of you, our current Orwellian administration has me upset/saddened/prone-to-distraction/afraid/angry/confused/ready-to-pounce/doubling-down-on-love-language-cuz-i’m-reminded-daily-of-the-evils-of-worshiping-power-and-money/and-so-much-more. I am in full non-support. Ready for overhaul, not willing to buy an ounce of clean-up language. It’s gross. I am mentally unstable too, but I wouldn’t run for president. It takes a very very very strong human, with a fiercely kind heart, to care for and legislate for others. Okay, there. Back to my near-silence on the issue. Sorry to future generations, that I can’t handle speaking up more often. I know there are maaannny like me, so I take cold comfort in that. xo ❤
The “clean up language” comment is because two days ago, Trump met with Putin.
The next day, he said that he said “would” when he meant “wouldn’t”.
Really, clean-up crew? That’s the best you can do to make him seem stable?
He even lost part of his base that day. People on ALL sides of the aisle were like, WTF?!?!?!
Okay I’m tired. Have to go record songs from childhood, but the gross part of childhood…high school and early 20s. When you don’t know what you’re doing, but the world views you as more adult-like, so you have to act like you do. In my case, I got into worlds of personal trouble, due to some traumas I lived through and woke up to, at that time. Mostly sexual in nature, but some physical abuse too. And emotional/spiritual/psychological abuse too. Pretty bad stuff…and my solutions were thin and strange. Some of those solutions were writing songs, which gave me a place to process those experiences with confining walls and clear constructs around me. Some of it was healthy, but some of it re-enforced stories I told myself to heal which later made me more trapped in pain and despair than maybe I would have been…
Well. Thanks for reading. I don’t know how I feel about this one. Or any of these. But I said I’d blog to get through this…and I feel like I really need it. Journaling alone keeps me feeling alone. Even if no one is reading, leaving this here makes me feel the potential for being understood someday, even if most everyone I know doesn’t understand me right now (who has time for all this pouring out of me? I don’t even have time for it – I don’t expect anyone else, even if they love me, to read/follow/listen to all this content…it’s exhausting just to consider…I wish I knew how to edit my life into one palpable consumable good for you, but I don’t, I’m sorry. Please know I’m trying my best…it just involves a lot of spaghetti thrown at walls, trying to find what sticks…my old album producer Ian said that’s the kind of person I seemed to be, and I didn’t believe him at the time, but holy cow is it right!)
Kay bye ❤ Jessica