Vulnerability

Releasing music is so second nature to me now, that you would think (I would think) that feelings would soften or change or shift to the point that I almost wouldn’t feel anything…negative or positive, just an everyday thing like doing laundry or getting a good grade on a test or taking a long walk and feeling proud of yourself or just the joy of adventure.

But instead it still feels raw, every time.  Like needles, tingling my skin.  Like wondering, what do people think? What does this look like from the outside? I know why I do this. For me, it is fresh and interesting and unique, to use my time to create and share what I’ve created.  And that’s reason enough. And all these challenges are a way of playing catch-up perhaps.  But from the outside, I can’t imagine what it looks like to see someone formerly more quiet (well, long speeches on Facebook but not prolific with works) suddenly blast all their music and words and art and weird nonsense in my face.  I would be…judgemental?  I mean, I hate to think that anyone judges anything…but I think it’s human nature when we try to make sense of things.  We observe them, and give them a label or some sort of identification.  Good, bad, interesting, annoying, weird, sloppy, beautiful, profound, crazy, boring, inspiring, useless, poignant, etc…

I know everyone has a different view of everything.  And people have used so many different words to describe what I’m doing.  And I wonder how I’m becoming more able to even imagine this variety…

It used to hurt just considering the vague idea of a negative comment on something I shared.

Yet my heroes have them all over their pages.

I don’t know.  Vulnerability is strange and hard and easy at the same time…

It’s almost like, once you force your hand and move outward into the world, you see how vulnerable we ALL are.  And there are alternate life paths…one involves death bed regrets of wishing you did more (or anything, or your calling, etc) and another involves regrets around actions you did take, ways you could have done them differently.  I’ve been in the first camp for so long, that I believed the mantras about sharing and letting go and being yourself so you don’t have regrets…but I don’t think that is true anymore.  I have shit tons of regrets still, despite all this output.  It’s just that the regrets are specific now, not vague.  My old regrets were related to dying with all this music inside me.  Fear of getting in a car accident, having 15+ albums never released that no one would ever hear because I was too afraid to share most of it…to now, releasing so much that each move comes with a million regrets, wishing for more time, more polish, more organization, more thoughtfulness, more skill on a particular thing…overall I see the growth and it excites me.  It’s super personal in nature, so maybe not worth sharing…but my voice is growing in strength, I can hit notes I didn’t used to be able to, just from working outside my comfort zone (including this Childhood album, but also in cloudlight), I’m becoming more resilient to disappointment and confusing vibes among friends and acquaintances, almost starting to even develop thicker skin for perceived gossip and judgement…I don’t know.  Maybe it’s not actually thicker, just that I’m so busy and sharing so much that I can’t get too hung up on any one thing, any one show, any one album, any one way I sense a person judging me.

I mean, I judge myself.  You likely judge yourself.  We’re all pretty harsh in our own ways.  Just feeling reflective and curious about it.  Because this post-release feeling was extra jittery tonight.  Like hard to feel good about.  Probably because these songs aren’t… ???  I mean, releasing songs you wrote in 1st-7th grade is like an extra layer of vulnerable.  Because they are meaningful to me, and I wanted to preserve them, but I can’t imagine most anyone else wanting to listen to them, except maybe for kitsch factor.  And that’s not why they were created.  So it feels more like a twist in the gut, having them out there, than I was expecting.

It’s okay.  I’m okay.  Life is okay.  Health and what not.  Basically healthy and in good spirits.  Just really freaking tired, spent almost every free minute the past few days on this, and I’m just really freakin tired.  Thought I’d have half of today free 😦   Instead I was editing and listening back and mastering and remastering up until 11:22pm.  Had to release before midnight if I wanted it to say “June 2018” as the release date 🙂

Well, there’s a blog post.  Month 4, here we come.

This is a heavy one, coming up.  I already decided the theme…not ready to talk about it yet tho.  Too exhausted.  (It’s 1:29am, the night of the release…just watched a little Japanese reality TV, haven’t zoned out in awhile, maybe that’s what’s making me feel weird, some of the themes discussed were ones I’m sensitive to…I’m sure I’m not alone in this, but I have to watch my input/intake carefully, if I read/watch certain things, it affects me almost as deeply as if I were experiencing it).

Night ❤ Jessica

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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