Okay, time to blog a little. I’m feeling so much right now. Wrote two songs earlier. That felt amazing. Like I forgot that that’s such a useful way to convert energy (let it go, allow it to be what it is, feel it, experience it, continue my day 🙂 )
Also journalled, got ready for the cloudlight show at Hay Yah House tonight in Grand Rapids – we’re opening for Jes Kramer, which we’ve done before (love her), and sharing the space with two amazing artists, Egan Franks Holzhausen & Reb Roberts, and while I know I should be fine with doing shows by now, it’s almost biological. I get excited and nervous but mostly excited. I feel the weight of time, ticking by, all the things I wanna cram into a day – suddenly on a show day I realize what foolishness this is. All the ways I expect myself to shift gears from one connection or project to the next. I used to think I had a hard time with transitions, now I’m wondering if it’s because I expect so much of myself. I make myself short-circuit, living life as if I’m still in school, 50 minute periods, one subject to the next. It’s overwhelming at times.
Sooo the biggest anxiety is that June 30th is tomorrow and I REALLY want to do the Childhood album justice, and thought I’d timed it well, but I listened last night to the 1st final masters, and 😦 😦 😦 too many sloppy moments. That are fixable. If I weren’t out of time.
And I WANT to be out of time, because the next project is already underway. So I don’t want more time, or to extend it. I just want to be superhuman. In the old days, without deadlines, I often didn’t start things – for fear of this pushing side of myself perhaps. I am relentless in how I engage this creative energy, and I am a firm taskmaster without much self-care, once I have a goal to work toward. Maybe that’s why I would dream without starting things? Maybe it’s cuz starting is the hardest part? And yea I COULD cheat and give myself a few more days, but to what end? Only to be behind by a few days on number 4 this year? And that one is turning out to look like a MUCH harder project…sooo I think I have to somehow learn, thru this year, to say “good enough” and “you tried your best” and “it’s not like you get to live off being a recording artist so quit expecting so much of your limited self.” I like piano teaching, and songwriting mentoring…and, even if I get to tour a lot more next year (my dream and hope), I still think I’d keep a full studio and just give em weeks off sometimes. Hoping that would work out. Because those I know who tour year-round, as a job, seem to slave away at it – and be at the mercy of many factors, and long-term I don’t think that’s my calling. Some people write one or two albums in a lifetime, and tour/share the heck out of em. I think my calling is a little more homebodyish, but with a lot of creative output. Maybe more videos again? Music videos, kids videos, motivational / self-help videos, makeup tutorials? (just kidding on the last one)
I dunno. There’s a blog check in. I’m loving the Childhood album. It’s 12 songs, but I think only 7 will make the cut tomorrow. Maybe there’ll be a “Childhood too” someday (called “For Heather McCarthy” – Heather, it’s all those extra songs I wrote in 5th grade when I found out Hilda was moving across town, and we couldn’t be summer playmates anymore)
Love you all. xo
p.s. oh yea, these pics are from my latest instagram post (@jessicaintherainbow)…where i announced that working on the Childhood album has me reconnecting with my fun-makeup-loving self, and I even did my hair for the show (inspired by the 2nd pic here) ❤