Balance…

So in my dreaming of things, I often get off balance…and then something or things bring me back to reality.

I wonder if that last post sent me to a strange place…almost wrote again the next day.

Like why complain when I did this to myself? 🙂

So here I am with pink eye and strep and day two of being off work, waiting til I’m non-contagious, and hopefully having a little more energy…my mind is a foggy sea and none of my plans feel very real right now.  Moved back more deadlines, trying to accomodate life.

This blog is very much for me, and anyone who has issues with BLOCKS in their creative life may get something from it.  I’ve had 3 new JiTR albums slated for 3 years, and haven’t prioritized them due to some MASSIVE fears…this 12 albums in 12 months process is a way of getting me over that, and sneaking those ones in here too, I hope.

I don’t know what makes some people so dang confident without all this “processing”. They seem to move from point A to B in their wants and thoughts to their execution.  That has never been me.  Self-help books, therapy, friends who get me, developing safe relationships and safe spaces to become has been crucial in my process…and I don’t know if I’d have ever released a single album as an adult without all that.

In fact I know I wouldn’t.  Dreamerism is strong in me, and in my blood 🙂

No offense to that, of course, just that the real world is gritty and it’s so easy to get wounded when we put ourselves out there.  Not to mention real wounds from my past, not sure ever how much to share about that…but let’s just say that healing from trauma, reframing experiences, and helping others do the same feels like my life’s work and purpose.  Tho really, had I gotten to have a trauma-free life, then I think my purpose would have been sharing joy.  So the hybrid of the two feels the most true.

I think if I’m really honest with myself, this month’s challenge is the hardest one of my adult life, and I’m trying to act like it’s fun and no big deal.

I have armor all around me, boundaries maybe, as a way to protect myself from further trauma.

And I hide it through friendliness, so most people don’t see this truth about me until they get to know me, if I even let them in.

This month I’ve compiled all the collaborations, and am doing more of them, not too many (my dreams said to do a million, or 20+, make everyone I know and appreciate feel loved and included…but the practicality of that, and it’s accompanying stress, is probably how I got so run down and then sick…), anyway…even with the downsized collaborations, I feel like I’m taking in the energy of others – massive amounts of others – in a way I haven’t done in a decade.  Or more.

Ever since my first drummer bailed on me, maybe? (cancelled on the day of a show?)

I’ve never really accepted the fact that I hold grudges.  Maybe not with specific people (rarely), but with the universe, with things not working out that I tried so hard on or wanted so much but didn’t work out.  And whenever there have been lots of those, something in me will shut down on a topic and write it off as “not me.”

One such topic was playing-with-others.  It’s why I perform alone so much.  And why this whole last year since cloudlight, and recently with welcoming old friends and new ones into playing with me on JiTR sets…and now why I’m even gonna edit and list all these collabs together in one place on my bandcamp.  Like a statement to the universe that yes I value and love these people…

And it’s hard because people break my heart all the time, like I talk a lot (duh) and I feel like I’m “too much” for many people, not all of course 🙂 and I’m so thankful for my posse of people.  But I think I’m learning that I used to live in black and white – either a person accepted ALL of me, or I put up a boundary with them.  I dunno, trauma is so weird.  I mean,  don’t even accept all of me…why should others?

Blogging is strange.  Who am I talking to?

I guess I felt like this last year, doing those check-in videos.  Still I said I’d do it.  I knew I’d want a record of how bizarre this album-a-month process would feel.  I knew it’s be hard or almost impossible.  So far the hardest is the interweaving schedule of deadlines…like I’m already working on June, July, August, and even OCTOBER deadlines.  Because of different levels of polish on those albums and projects.  One will hopefully be in studio, with others, so that involves coordinating and practice now.

Okay well, I’m still super sick despite starting the antibiotic today…feel like my body is tryin to sweat something out.  Maybe this helped?  I never know with my strange sensitive system.

Xoxo to all the gentle people, the world is infinitely better for your care.
Xoxo to all the passionate people, the world is moving forward from your dreams.
Xoxo to all the confused people, I think this is most common and nothing to feel ashamed of.  I think life is a process of untangling all the lies we’re taught as truths, and trying to find who we are amidst a sea of misinformation.  Hope you all find whatever feels like ‘yourself’ today.

Jessica

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