*Note to readers: this blog is part of a challenge, to release an album a month for a year. It’s a way of documenting the insanity of the process :)*
SO there is a reason people pace themselves, avoid things, focus on one project, wake up in their minds a year or two after a brainstorm, having not accomplished said brainstorm, beat up on themselves, without analyzing the reality of TIME…
That whole “to everything there is a season” thing is bouncing around in my brain right now.
It’s like I’m trying to have 12 seasons at once, without anything in my life suffering…
It feels like a trajectory, or like 12 trajectories, started simultaneously, without the boost of 12x the life force…I find myself getting sick, run down, tired. Not sleeping well. Not able to go for walks. Etc.
Today is Monday, the day after my big yearly piano recital. It was a WONDERFUL event, my students played super well, and I’m grateful yet again to have such a meaningful way to support myself.
But historically these would take a week of focused prep…well, 7 weeks of prep with the students, but even I would go to a headspace meant for recitals (or, music parties? they are unconventional, everyone plays only their favorite songs from the year, of any genre, and performance in them is optional…)
This year, I’ve done so much other work in the week leading up – practice with a drummer, recordings and field recordings, album artwork, tshirt design collaborations, reorders and orders of tons of merch, things that have fallen through the cracks in the past but something in me is trying to work 12x faster, 12x smarter, and be 12x better of a human.
It’s partly working, as this much effort is bound to succeed in some ways.
But it’s also exhausting, and I feel like something in my body is trying to get me to rest (about to go to the doctor for what may be a case of PINK EYE?!? I’ve never had pink eye…)
Deep breaths. Intentions set. I made a LIST.
Not my usual list.
Not a list of wishes and dreams all written all over, in a tree or thought bubble, with floaty dreamy Equal Importance. But a LIST, like a bada*s list. Where I assumed much would have to fall away.
“Choose your top 3 things” something in my mind said. Like “I know you have 20 things between now and June/July that you want to accomplish, but CHOOSE your favorites – the ones you’d be the most sad to see fail.”
As an A-student crammer my whole life, all the way to scholarships and free trips to London, I CAN’T BELIEVE I never learned how to prioiritize.
But I haven’t.
I genuinely just push push push and leave til the last minute and do each thing right before it’s deadline, and get EVERYTHING done.
But I’m seeing that only works if your list is small enough that EVERYTHING is possible.
My list has grown so much that now, truly, everything I want to do IS NOT POSSIBLE.
With each new idea, the seed of another idea is born.
I’m getting better at delegating.
I’m getting WAY better at contacting people for rehearsals and collaborations with enough advance notice that they can actually get involved and/or (whoa!) be working on something while I’m finishing up another thing.
It’s like weaving, and I feel like my time use used to be a simple braid and now it’s becoming a complex friendship bracelet and even I don’t really understand or remember or know how to explain the pattern, but I can do it by feel.
Sooooo I like it.
But I don’t like that I’m sick.
Either my body is revolting (but excited).
Or it’s trying to get me to PAUSE.
At least long enough to see that I’m missing a point of course correction (last night I made 3 new lists, and altered my unrealistic deadlines 3x).
So I’m kind of into that.
The idea that my body knows what’s possible, better than my brain does.
So yea…if anywhere I said that I’d release things on the 9th, 12th and 20th of May, just FYI I’m shifting it later as new things came up, some of which are more important (by a lot!) than meeting these arbitrary deadlines.
So I know the new deadlines, still a release in May, but I’m wondering if announcing deadlines is an absurd extra pressure I don’t need.
Like yes, I want to honor friends’ bdays on the month of my friend ship album…but it’s ultimately also pretty cool that I’m even trying to release something less than a month after another thing.
Sometimes my objectives get so powerful and intense and foreboding that I forget to congratulate myself on even thinking of having that objective, and/or meeting it halfway or most the way.
Okay, off to get dressed and have my eyes looked at.
Wishing everyone peace and motivation and the balance between the two…