1st homemade music video of 12 (tonight) + feelings…

Hey there…It’s been such a busy week and a half.  Opening for Johanna Warren in our home, my parents visiting from Minnesota, hosting and attending informal birthday hootenanies, prepping multiple shows with full band, including one this Thursday at Harmony Hall (GR), releasing an album, plus teaching, tons of other research/work… some have asked me why I take all this on (unlike some people who are paid lots of money to do so much stuff…) but that’s a story for another day.  Or maybe I’ve told it already, who knows.

I’m really writing today because I’m doing the finishing touches on a little music video I made during the 365 but didn’t have time to release with the song it was intended for, due to that darn “get everything done in the same day” phenomenon I used to live by for a year.  Wow, still can’t believe I put that stress and pressure on myself daily.  It definitely helped me get used to working harder but whew, glad that’s over.

Still I now have all these deadlines in my head for this year’s project, as I like releasing things on days that are important to me, in honor of people who are important to me.  So far I’ve done my oldest nephew’s birthday and my own, and today I would like to release the first music video in honor of my oldest niece, even though I’ve already released an album on her birthday (the day of her actual birth that is!)

It feels appropriate to have this first month be a month of sharing in honor of my oldest niece and nephew as I imagine much of being a first-born (two different families) is about being a leader, finding a path, and forging it.  I see it in first-born children (actual children and adult children) everywhere.

So as a middle child I’ve always admired these traits and been unsure how to find them in myself…I tend towards some classic “blame on being a middle child” stuff (i.e. people pleaser, indecisive, deer in headlights), so this newest forging-ahead year of challenges is me recognizing a way I haven’t been who I wanted to be (an OPENLY prolific lo-fi artist with crap tons of releases, rather than a closeted one, lost in wishing…), and just becoming it.

This song, and this music video, is all about what it feels like to follow your own internal compass.  I worry sometimes that it appears I’m preaching a one-size-fits-all approach to “letting go” and “being yourself” and “sharing your truth” but I deeply believe that not everyone is meant to be prolific and sloppy haha (duh).  I think that’s just part of MY compass.  Yours may be cautious planning for 5 years with one big moment of release.  Or, to the non-musician or artist friends, other variations on being not-so-public and a little or a lot more crafted and intentional.  I know this weird sharing of all my goofy faces and owl mugs and laughing alone and being giddy and joyful at making songs may seem strange to some, or all.  But I can’t help but have identified SO CLEARLY that this is who I’m meant to be…if “meant to be” even means anything.  I guess a parallel for non-fatalists is…it’s who I WANT to be.  I like sloppy funny quirky cool or dorky lo-fi things.  I like bizarre art and fanciful, whimsical creative types.  I like people who break the mold and push the boundaries and make their own rules.  I’ve always liked it, since being a literature major in college.  And at the music conservatory.  I always got a thrill learning about the weirdos and the non-conformists.  So fatalistic or not, I’m becoming who I feel I am on the inside, which may just be a reflection of what I’ve loved most in my life.  And I hope you all do the same, and I imagine that yours will look VERY different from mine…so as the song is about, I hope seeing my truth doesn’t distract you from finding yours.

Love to all, xoxo
Jessica

p.s. I will probably release the video around 11pm…as I’m running late for work. Bye!

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